


Strawberries & Cigarettes (Guilt & Pleasure)

by starkmaximoffs



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Cheating, F/F, Love Triangles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-03-07 02:32:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 39,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18863944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkmaximoffs/pseuds/starkmaximoffs
Summary: There's nothing wrong with making out with someone for fun. Or maybe there is...If that someone is your sister's girlfriend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this will be written in nayeon's point of view. i hope you enjoy reading as much as i enjoy writing this! :)

Ever since I moved out of our home in town to attend College here in the city 5 years ago, everything has seemed more... thrilling. Now, it's not because I don't like having my family around— my sister even followed me here 2 years after and we're now living in the same apartment—but I think we'll all come to the point where we would want to decide for ourselves and learn to walk on our own feet. And honestly, who'll still want to be babied at home after they've reached their 19th year here on Earth? Well, one thing's for sure: that person isn't me.

 

I've always daydreamed about living in my own house, even when I was still a kid, and being able to take care of myself while my hardworking parents (bless them, really) are at home, worry-free and just enjoying their lives while I spoil them with everything they need and want- oh, and let's not forget that about the part where I'll be the one paying my sister's tuition fee and giving her enough allowance to survive and graduate. I've always daydreamed about the time when it will be my turn to work my ass off.

 

Well, obviously, I'm still far from all that. All I really have achieved for now is being able to live away from my parents without having to cry myself to sleep at night. I'm still only in College- well, it's my last year, at least. I'm a Literature student, by the way, and the only thing I have to do is work on our thesis, defend, and if I'm lucky enough, I will be in the next batch of graduates and can finally escape that cursed stage called College.

 

I work. Sometimes. Well, it's freelance. All out of my hobby of taking photos of literally everything. Yes, fun fact of the day: I love photography. Yay! It all started when my 6th grade crush showed me his camera, it's that simple, thin camera in the shape of rectangle, and that time I was confused wether I still wanted my crush or did I want his camera better. But I won't elaborate on that part.

 

Anyway, it is our winter break and we're free from the suffocating walls of the campus for 6 weeks. But of course we're not free _free_. Some professors left us with tasks, but my main focus right now is to make progress with our thesis. Hopefully my groupmates think the same way.

 

So, anyway number two, the point of saying all this to you is to let you know that everything's going so well. I live a normal town-girl-moved-to-city life  with my sister Chaeyoung and I've never had a really bad day when I lost the will to inhale and exhale. But it's until today, when my sister told me about what's going to happen.

 

When I woke up this morning, Chaeyoung was in my face and she had this grin—the grin I never trusted—and she told me we'd be having a guest. I thought it would just be some of her classmates and that they'd only have to work on something because Chaeyoung has been complaining about this group project that's been given to them and they're supposed to do it during the break. So to not add up, I decided to get up right away and shoulder the house cleaning and cooking for her "guest"; I knew she'd be stressed out doing her project.

 

But then...

 

"What is Tzuyu doing here?!" I ask her immediately once I've dragged her to a far corner. I purposely make myself look annoyed, because I _am_ annoyed.

 

"I told you, we have a guest today!" She answers and even hits me lightly on my arm as if to remind me that she has already said it to me.

 

"Yeah, but you didn't tell me it was her!" I am so not pleased I'm whisper-yelling. I bawl my eyes out at her only to have her cackling at me.

 

"Relax, unnie, you don't have to talk to her."

 

I roll my eyes.

 

If there's one thing Chaeyoung and I both know, it's that I am not really her girlfriend's best fan. I've made it clear since the beginning: I don't like Tzuyu for her!

 

Tzuyu is... a lost cause. She is beautiful, and she's rich, and I can tell she has so much potential, but she's not in good terms with her parents for a reason I don't know and i don't really have interests in knowing. She's been involved in a few fights at the campus and it even led to her as getting kicked out of the University. She's like this... typical emo teenager who's been wronged so she decided it's better to do vandalism at school and steal key papers for exams. My sister has no future with her!

 

"Well, I won't even bother breathing in her direction."

 

I am done, and I am ready to leave it at that, but as soon as I pass by Chaeyoung she speaks again.

 

"Yeah, unnie, that might be a little hard... because she's gonna live with us for a while."

 

And as if hearing it had shoved a really strong force in my feet, I turn back around immediately with an even worse disbelief displayed on my face.

 

"You're kidding me." Though I know she's probably not.

 

"You know I'm not."

 

My shoulders slack as I tilt my head back. I can't believe this is happening.

 

Chaeyoung giggles, then she throws her arms around me. Oh, great, she's doing it. Her very own "please" gesture. To make me say yes.

 

I sigh, then I speak before she can say anything, "She can't... live with us, Chaeng. I'm sorry..."

 

I can feel her hug tighten. "She has nowhere to go..."

 

My brows wrinkle having heard it. "What even happened to her?"

 

I feel Chaeyoung hesitating so I assume it must be a matter that should only be discussed between the two of them.

 

"Alright, you don't have to tell-"

 

"Her family just... kind of... kicked her out." The way there is sadness in her voice sort of crumples my heart.

 

For a moment I actually consider letting Tzuyu stay, but I just... can't live under the same roof with her. She's so _annoying_ , a handful. I know that because she practically spent her campus days in detention or doing public service as a punishment for her bad behavior. She also smokes and I don't like how smokers' mouths smell like. And I also have seen how arrogant she can be. She thinks she's Moses, the crowd is the sea, and the stick is her "presence" and "charisma".

 

Well, I mean, yes she's charming, but that's not the point.

 

"Can't she find an apartment or something?"

 

"Unnie, she doesn't have money. Yet." She makes it clear, perhaps because she knows I would go all bazooka about Tzuyu being a dreamless person again. "And I... wanna keep my eye on her. I mean, you know how she is... I'm afraid of what she'll do especially right now, her family practically rubbed in her face that she's nothing but an embarrassment. And since you wanna keep your eye on me, I figure it's best that we all stay here."

 

"Chaeyoung, she's not a kid."

 

"I know. But she's my girlfriend..." She pulls away from the embrace and looks at me, and I can sense the sincerity in her entire self right now, and when she holds my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze I know she's holding on to a huge hope that I'll say yes. "I love her, unnie. Please..."

 

Do you all ever get pissed at how a person can be so, so, _so_ nice? And what's even more annoying is that, because they're so nice, you can't say no to them.

 

I let out a really heavy breath, just so she knows that this is still against my will. "Fine."

 

And I only laugh a bit when she jumps up and down while clapping her hands. It reminds me of that first time she asked our mom to buy her drawing materials, and our mom said yes immediately.

 

"But I'm still not breathing in her direction." I say, more because I want to make her laugh. But I really mean it.

 

I survive the first few days just fine. I am slowly mastering the art of pretending Tzuyu doesn't exist even though she is always roaming all around the apartment and has probably touched every little thing in here, which is very annoying by the way, but Chaeyoung thinks it's cute. The next days after that are kind of torturing because they're always all over each other like I am not here and it's really irritating. Okay, I get it, I am forever alone. Thanks for constantly reminding me. I also note those numerous times I hear Chaeyoung chastising Tzuyu about smoking saying if she can't stop, she should at least lessen it. There's this time when they almost get in a serious argument because of that. I don't say anything because it's a matter between the two of them.

There is an unexplainable annoyance I feel whenever I see Tzuyu's grin, and she's always grinning because of Chaeyoung, so that means I'm always annoyed. So I am thankful when my friend summons me again for a photography job today.

 

I tell Chaeyoung I have to meet up with Dahyun for another job, and since Chaeyoung knows her, that's all I have to say. Dahyun is my junior and we have done a few jobs before; she likes photography, too. We let each other know when we find out photography jobs to sign up to, like weddings or formal parties and such. She's a close friend to me, and I believe to Chaeyoung, too.

 

So today I get to escape from that hell hole I once called my comfortzone. Ever since Tzuyu came it hasn't been the same. I mean, I've expected changes from the start. But I still can't accept it. Chaeyoung's attention is divided! And it's not even a fair distribution! Tzuyu gets 80% of it while I only get 10%. The other 10 goes to her plants and her painting hobby.

 

 

"You told me we're going to talk about the job, unnie."

 

I can tell Dahyun is very confused right now. Well, it's reasonable given that I'm currently dragging her to this mini-amusement park near the milktea place where we usually hang out. It is called "mini" because their rides are less dangerous than the ones in real amusement parks: mini-ferris wheel, mini-viking, mini-carousel, mini-everything. They only put it up during Holiday season.

 

"Well, we can talk about it while the mini-viking hurls us back and forth." I answer jokingly.

 

"Let me guess, you just wanted to get out of your apartment today."

 

"Yes, you're right. Aren't you a psychic?"

 

She laughs first, then suddenly it doesn't feel like I’m _dragging_ her; she's now _following_ me.

 

"But why?"

 

"Satan is currently residing with us."

 

I keep walking while still holding her wrist. I whip my head everywhere, looking for the mini-viking. God, why do they have to change the rides' positions every year? It doesn't make sense.

 

"And by Satan, you mean..?"

 

"My sister's annoying girlfriend." I pause, "Oh, here, viking." I subconsciously point to the sign that screams all capital MINI-VIKING, though I know she's probably seen it before I did.

 

We stop to fall in line, and while waiting for our turn to buy tickets, we keep talking.

 

"Wait- Chou Tzuyu?!"

 

"Yes. The one and only embodiment of the word nuisance."

 

"Oh my gosh!" She covers her mouth with both her hands, and the look she gives me says I should be grateful this is happening. So I give her a really judging glare.

 

You see, I don't get why people like Tzuyu so much even when they know about her intolerable attitude. Have I mentioned that the whole cheerleading squad of our University filed a petition to help Tzuyu stay when she was on the verge of expulsion? Thank God our Dean doesn't share the same brain as them, he didn't take it into account at all. He knew Tzuyu had done enough.

 

"Stop it, Dahyun. Never in my life will I be grateful that she is living in my apartment right now."

 

"But unnie," She whines, I hate it. "You gotta admit she's hot!" Then she giggles like how those highschool girls do when their crushes acknowledge their existence, and I hate it again.

 

"Yeah, well, she's from hell. Let's not wonder why."

 

And it's finally our turn for tickets, thank all the Saints.

 

When I get home the apartment is already silent so I assume my sister's already asleep. She's always been more of a morning person, because "each morning is a blessing".

 

What I don't expect, though, is to see Tzuyu still awake without any hint of sleepiness in the way she moves. She has a few CDs in her hand and she's scanning each of them carefully while she paces back and forth, there are others that are scattered all over our center table. They're mostly movies. Chaeyoung and I loved collecting them, until downloading movies through torrent became a thing.

 

Now, I don't know where she heaves that much audacity to make such a mess of our things, but I don't say anything as I hang my coat and scarf on the rack. I plan on passing by her silently—I'm getting good at this, you know, pretending she's invisible—but much to my surprise, she calls me.

 

"Hey, Nayeon."

 

Though the way my name rolled off her tongue gives me some kind of... feeling, all I can think of right now is the fact that she didn't even address me as her _unnie_!

 

"Do you maybe wanna watch some movie?" She asks so casually while waving a CD in the air and the whole thing just sends my blood to its boiling point.

 

I only squinted at her briefly without stopping from walking. I would never ever waste my time to stop for a movie with her. Plus, I just wanna go to bed. Boy, have those mini-rides upgraded.

 

Tzuyu chuckles. Oh my God- is she poking fun at me?!

 

"Come on. We should get along well from now on... for your sister."

 

I can't help it, I turn around and face her with the most serious face I can conjure at the moment. I cross my arms over my chest and looks at her in a manner she'll feel how much I dislike her.

 

"Listen, Tzuyu... it's not happening. Do you wanna know why? Because I know my sister will realize she's making a really wrong decision with you. She isn't the type to settle for someone _just_ like you.

 

"You can watch movies all you want and yes you are staying here for the mean time, but need I remind you that we are not friends. Not even close. I let you stay for my sister, not because your presence makes this apartment a lot better or anything."

 

I notice a change in her expression, then I continue.

 

"You're a speck of dust among the better others who actually know the path they're taking, and those kind of persons? That's the type my sister would settle for."

 

She's gone all silent.

 

Is she hurt..?

 

But just as I'm about to feel bad and guilty, she chuckles again, and her annoying dimple shows. Again.

 

"Are you done?" She asks, probably to annoy me.

 

Oh, I get it. I hurt her, and in return, she's going to piss me off.

 

"Stop trying to make me like you. You're wasting your time." I hiss, and as I take a last glance at her face before turning my heels around, I really imagine myself punching her and ruining her beautiful face to the point where she'll have to wear a dog mask.

 

She's insufferable, but it doesn't really matter to most people because of her good looks.

 

Another surprise, though, is that Chaeyoung turns out to still be awake and is just at the kitchen this whole time.

 

She probably heard everything I said.

 

I can't look her in the eyes; I know she's close to tears. Maybe she feels bad for Tzuyu, maybe she thinks I've gone overboard, maybe even a mix of both.

 

In this moment I know I screwed up. Big time. And I feel embarrassed, because I'm her older sister, and that behaviour I unveiled just a few seconds ago wasn't something an older sister should show. And I also know that trying to hurt Tzuyu, I hurt her, too.

 

I panic, so I just go to my room. I hear Chaeyoung say sorry to Tzuyu, and Tzuyu says it's okay. Oh, if I know that devil is celebrating internally because Chaeyoung definitely sides with her this time.

 

When I go to bed I can still feel a slight pang in my chest, and it takes me longer to fall into dreamland, knowing I've hurt my sister.

 

I wake up the next morning and the first thing I do is go to my sister's room. I want to make sure she holds no hard feelings for me before we sit together for breakfast. But I open the door to her packing up her things. My heart skips a beat—has she had enough of me and decided to elope with Tzuyu?

 

"Chaeng..." I walk up to her slowly. Honestly, I am afraid of the look she'll give me because I'm sure it'll be daggers that will go straight into my chest. But I'm willing to accept it because I know I deserve it somewhat.

 

But then, when she turns to me I don't see a single hint of anger. Only subtle disappointment.

 

"I'm sorry... I thought about what happened last night and, yeah, I realized I've gone too far. I'm sorry I'm a shitty, not-so-supportive sister, but I just want what's best for you." I try to explain my side.

 

She smiles faintly as she continues to shove things in her bag. I took a brief glance at it and see that she's almost finished. I feel pressured—I only have a few minutes to convince her to stay.

 

I embrace her to stall her and sob exaggeratedly on her shoulder. I look stupid, I know. But right now I'm willing to do just about everything to keep her here.

 

"Please, please, please? Forgive me. I'll even apologize to Tzuyu if I have to." But of course I won't mean it, if ever.

 

"Hm... you'll really do it?"

 

That's when it hits me... I shouldn't have said that.

 

Next thing I know I'm already in front of a confused Tzuyu. She blinks twice, looking at me and my sister (who, by the way, is grinning so wide), and she's holding a cup of coffee with her hand.

 

For a second I have to remind myself that I'm here to ask for forgiveness, not to ask her where she heaved the audacity to use our coffee brewer.

 

"Tzuyu, she has something to say." Chaeyoung tells her, and I can really tell from the spikes in her tone that she's excited.

 

"What...?"

 

I look at Tzuyu and ignore her incredibly charming morning look, then I speak to get this over with.

 

"I'm sorry." I say. Awkwardly. My eyes are on everything but her. I wait for her to respond, but she doesn't, so I figure maybe it's not enough. What more does she need me to say? "For what happened last night." That sucks, I know.

 

Tzuyu smiles at me, her dimple says hi. It's annoying.

 

"It's fine. I didn't really take it to heart."

 

Well, she should have! You see, she should be trying to be a better person for Chaeyoung after what I said. But turned out my words only entered her ear and went straight out through the other.

 

"Right." Is all I can say.

 

The awkwardness is... unexplainable, and insufferable. And I just want to melt right now. I just know that each of us are wondering how we ended up in the middle of the apartment like this. We're a weird spell away from summoning a demon.

 

Oh we already have summoned the demon; it's Tzuyu herself.

 

"Well, that's not how I expected it to go but it's better than nothing." Chaeyoung is trying too hard to lift the heavy atmosphere, and she has my respect for that, but she also has to stop.

 

Chaeyoung heads back to her room, maybe to unpack her things, and I follow her. But I see her get her skin moisturizer and all that crap from her closet, and put them in the bag, too.

 

"Okay, I'm totally confused right now." I let her know. My hand is on my hips and I put my weight in one leg.

 

She looks at me shortly I barely catch her glance. "Huh?"

 

"I thought if I apologized you're not going to leave anymore?"

 

She suddenly laughs. Right. Great. Is this a prank? Ever since Tzuyu came I've begun thinking my life is a whole joke.

 

"Unnie, whether you apologized or not I'm still gonna have to leave." Her expression is much softer now. At least that's some positive outcome.

 

"What do you mean?" I sit on the edge of her bed.

 

"I told you... we have this group project to work on and there's still no progress. We haven't even started anything. So I'm gonna spend a week at my groupmate's apartment."

 

"What is it exactly that you have to do?"

 

"Well, basically, we have to make a mess on a wall-sized canvas."

 

I am just about to ask if there is no other way when she cuts me off. Okay, she's not very respectful sometimes.

 

"There's no other way, unnie. And I'm not doing this just for the project."

 

I stare at her, waiting for her to add anything to that because it doesn't make any sense to me. Then she stares back, as if she's expecting me to get what she means.

 

I shake my head, then I tell her the truth, "I don't get it. Sorry."

 

She finally finishes packing up and hangs her bag on her shoulder in really cool manner. I wish I knew how to do that.

 

"Maybe if I leave you two alone here you'll learn to at least be civilized to each other. It’s Christmas season, unnie. Give her a chance." She winks after, pats my shoulder, and passes by me with a grin.

 

"Wait- Chaeyoung-" I call after her but she doesn't look back.

 

She still wears her grin as she gets to her girlfriend and tells her she has to go, which makes me assume Tzuyu's known about this already because Chaeyoung doesn't explain further where she will be. Tzuyu then presses a kiss on her forehead after reminding her to take care. The sight gives me sore eyes.

 

Chaeyoung leaves just a few moments after without saying anything to me again. She just gives me a "you can do this" look as she exits our apartment. All I can do is sigh.

 

I shift my gaze onto the tall, tan woman in the couch who is currently back at playing whatever mobile game it is that says an enemy has been slain on her phone which, by the way, is a waste of money because playing mobile games consumes your battery faster and then you will have to charge your phone and your electricity bill gets doubled!

 

 God... do I really have to spend a whole week with this person alone? Why has Chaeyoung condemned me like this?


	2. Chapter 2

It takes me a few hours to accept that I’m left alone with the Satan incarnate and that I have to spend a whole freaking week with her and her insufferable ass, and I know at first I am in denial. But Tzuyu just won’t stop annoying me, and won’t stop pretending she doesn’t know she’s annoying me just to annoy me even more.

 

I try staying in my room; I get my laptop and let myself indulge in a solo movie marathon, and for minutes I actually forget that Tzuyu is alive and kicking in the same place as me. But as I laugh at how Ron Weasley has embarrassed his ass for the nth time, my door suddenly screeches open. I pause the movie when Tzuyu’s head pops up in the little open space.

 

“Hey, I just wanted to ask-“ then she steps right into my room and that move leaves my mouth agape. The courage?! “Are they your parents?” She shows me a picture frame.

 

It’s our family picture—me, Chaeyoung, Mom and Dad. And as far as I can remember it’s placed on the mini-drawer in the living room so I’m wondering how it got there, in Tzuyu’s hands.

 

I just give her a stare. Like, yes, they’re my parents. Clearly. Are you dumb?

 

But I guess she really is dumb because she still doesn’t take my silence and look as a yes. Instead, she asks again.

 

“Or are they your grandparents..?” The pure confusion in her voice makes her seem even dumber.

 

I grunt, my eyeballs can practically roll off right now. “Yes. They are my parents. Obviously.” And I say that as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Because it is.

 

And yet, Tzuyu still looks really enlightened after I answered her question.

 

Oh my God, I never thought she could be this dumb.

 

She finally steps out of my room, and though I feel like I just got rid of a real pain in the ass, I suddenly don’t want to watch anymore.

 

So I just go to Chaeng’s room. When I open the door I bask in the scent of her strawberry cologne, her signature scent—she’s always loved strawberries and everything that has strawberries in it.

 

I look around and see if anything has changed—Chaeyoung has a hobby of always changing the positions of the things in her room. Like her things have this kind of… rotation. She’s a really organized person. And when I say really organized, I mean really, _really_ organized. Her stuffed toys have their own part of the room, and so do her art materials. Unlike in my room—I literally just toss everything everywhere. Except my books and camera, of course.

 

Chaeyoung also has a hobby of growing plants. In her room. There are three plants sitting by her window- oh, it’s four now.

 

I walk up to them and unconsciously smile. She probably would want me to water these, especially the new one.

 

When I open the door to get out and get some water, Tzuyu is suddenly in front of me, making me jolt backwards and mutter a profanity.

 

I rub my chest and look at her, my brows are wrinkled.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Chaeng told me to make sure I water her plants everyday while she’s away.” I look at her hands; she’s holding Chaeyoung’s mini-watering can.

 

I feel small suddenly. Does Chaeng think she can’t trust me with her plants?

 

“I’ll do it,” I fake a smile and grabs the watering can with a swollen pride, but her grip on it tightens that instantly makes my blood boil.

 

“No. She asked me _personally_ to do it. Therefore, I should be the one doing it.” She pulls the object to herself, but I won’t quit just yet. Never.

 

“I am her sis— _elder_ sister—therefore, I have more rights than you do.” I pull the can this time, but she won’t quit just yet either.

 

She raises her brow at me, “I am her girldriend. I have just as much rights as you do.” Then she hauls the can again.

 

Oh, so she wants to play Tug of Watering Can or something like that? I’m all for it.

 

“I own this apartment which is your only option right now, by the way. If it weren’t for my kindness, you would’ve already been found on the streets.”

 

“Your sister had to convince you to let me stay. It’s your sister’s kindness, not yours.”

 

“What the-“ The way I sound so frustrated makes me hate myself. I should just sound cool! “Look, I let you stay here and I don’t ask for anything in return. Just let me water my sister’s plants!” I yell.

 

“No.”

 

“Give this to _me_.”

 

“Absolutely not.”

 

One would think we’re fighting over a damn watering can but truth is, and we both know this, we’re fighting over Chaeyoung. My sister obviously loves me more than this Satan incarnate right here, but she just doesn’t know when to stop. Tzuyu still keeps insisting she’ll do it, but I am more worthy of the job. Nobody between us seems to quin soon, so the watering can commits a fall. We’ve gone silent as the object bounces on the floor, its clattering noises make my ears bleed. I have my eyes closed as if closing them will somehow make the noise disappear.

 

Poor watering can, it had to sacrifice itself just so we would shut the fuck up.

 

“Ugh! Look what you’ve done!” I motion to the mess below. The water in the can leaked, obviously.

 

“Me?” She asks with a mocking disbelief.

 

“Yes. You.” If I couldn’t help myself I would’ve jabbed a finger to her chest already.

 

“You’re the one who started it, why are you blaming this to me?”

 

“If only you let me handle it since the beginning this wouldn’t have happened!”

 

“Well, it already did happen. Whatever. Just clean it up.” She says in a bored manner, then she turns her back to me and begins to walk away.

 

I can only let out a “Ha!”. Do you see now why I hate her? Do you?! I wish Chaeyoung saw this side of her, too. Because if that’s really the person my sister wants to be with for the rest of her life she might as well just un-sister me.

 

I don’t let Tzuyu walk too far away, I try to follow her and just when I am already reaching for her wrist, my feet slipped and I fall on the floor. Great. My dumb ass forgot it’s wet.

 

Now I can see and hear Tzuyu cackling, and I can also see her horns and pitchfork.

 

“I didn’t say clean it up with your butt, but I guess you’re more comfortable that way.” She only looks back again to give me a grin and then she leaves.

 

I heave a really, _really_ deep breath. I need to have patience. I’m sure Chaeyoung would appreciate it if Tzuyu can still walk when she comes back.

 

I decide to just clean the mess up and as a reward, I get to water Chaeng’s plants.

 

In the evening, when I get out of my room to prepare food for _myself_ , I come out to Tzuyu scanning through my photo album. I recognize it right away because I’ve treasured it since I was 17. I put in there my best shots and Chaeng and I’s pictures that hold unforgettable memories. It’s really important so I snatch it immediately from the devil’s filthy hands.

 

I keep my silence as I put it back in the mini-drawer. I don’t want to exchange even just a couple of sentences with her, it’s exhausting. How did she even find the album? God, is she on some treasure hunt here?

 

“Did you take all those photos?”

 

I shut my eyes upon hearing her voice again. She really doesn’t know when to stop, does she? She has to realize she’s already lucky I’m letting her stay here in the living room and not the balcony, and that she needs to learn to take a hint if she doesn’t want me to kick her ass out, too.

 

I don’t answer. Instead, I proceed to the kitchen and get myself a pizza- well, _heated_ pizza. This will do for now. I’ll just buy some groceries tomorrow. And when you’re starving, you don’t really have time to be picky.

 

As soon as I finish putting the pizza on my plate, I turn around and almost drop my food when I see Tzuyu leaning against the countertop, staring at me. For some reason I just find my heart trying to beat its way out of my chest.

 

I decide it’s only because I’m really shocked.

 

“What the- have you been here this whole time?!”

 

She only chuckles, perhaps because she knows her chuckle pisses the hell off of me.

 

“I just wanna say, you’ve got some really great photography skills.”

 

That’s all she says before leaving.

 

So today I learned that Tzuyu is not only annoying, she can also be really dumb and weird.

 

*

 

The next day goes a little more chill. But it’s not because Tzuyu and I are finally starting to get along well; today, Tzuyu is surprisingly silent. She’s on her phone all day. And not that I’m worried or anything, but I kind of observe her and I see that her expression is shifting from time to time. At first I think it’s a movie she’s watching, but I don’t trust my first guess because she holds her phone up vertically. And I don’t really think she’s a person who would sit and watch a 7-hour movie.

 

But anyway, enough with that weird ass. I water Chaeng’s plants again today! In peace. Without a Tzuyu taking the watering can away from me. It is a better day compared to the previous ones since she came here. Whatever it is that’s in her phone, I hope it stays there and keeps her distracted for a long, long time.

 

“Well, that’s depressing.” I hear her say.

 

I am at the kitchen, checking our fridge to see what I should buy at the grocery store later. As I make a list on my phone, Tzuyu comes in and I don’t flinch even a bit. She goes to the sink, gets the water running, lays her palms that form what seem like a bowl open, and when it’s got enough water in it, she throws it to her face. I have to jolt away from her so the splashes of water won’t get anywhere on me.

 

I am ready to yell at her face again and lecture her about how disrespectful she is and ask her if she’s blind that she didn’t see me, but when I turn to her I see her eyes kind of… puffy.

 

On impulse, I ask, “Did you cry?” I’m close to actually laughing. Satan really just _cried_?

 

“What do you care?”

 

I erase the subtle smile playing on my lips, my eyes hold no expression. “Actually, I don’t care at all. I just find your misery amusing.”

 

With a ringing irritation inside, I shove my phone in my pocket and walk past her. Why did I even ask? It’s not like I didn’t know she would respond that way.

 

Just when I’m a few steps away already, she says, “I was reading Dear John. Surely you know that novel? You’re a lit student.”

 

I stop, realizing that’s why she’s been focused on her phone all day. She’s reading an ebook! I can’t help it, my lips stretch out to a smile, but my back remains facing her. I hate to admit it, but it’s actually cute. Satan reads _and_ cries over what she reads. Amazing.

 

I don’t wonder why she cried, because I did cry as well when I read it. It’s… beautifully painful.

 

“Cheap ass,” I say under my breath. I’m not sure if she hears it, and I don’t really bother to know. I just continue walking because If I don’t I’ll be late. It’s already almost 6 in the evening; there’ll sure be a lot of people at the grocery store when I get there.

 

I go to my room to apply slight makeup on my face, then I slip in a simple shirt, put sweatshirt over it and pair them with jeans. And I’m good to go like this. I let my hair down because it’s cold outside and having it this way will somehow make me feel warm.

 

When I get out and shut the door closed, Tzuyu must’ve known I’ve gotten out of my room that she immediately whips her head to face me.

 

“Hey, are you-” She cuts herself off the moment she lays her eyes on me, and she remains silent for the next couple of seconds after. She seems… _bowled over_ , looking at me, and she gulps before she continues. “Are you- are you going to the, uh, grocery store?” She stutters then looks away as quickly as she turned to me earlier.

 

Even though her actions send me into an enormous bubble of confusion, I just answer, “Yes.”

 

“Can you buy me some potato chips?”

 

“Excuse me?” I actually stop in my tracks just to give her a look of incredulity, even though she still refuses to look back at me.

 

It takes her a while to face me again, as if it takes everything in her to do that simple act.

 

“I asked you if you can buy me some potato chips.”

 

“Well, no.” I’m never going to buy anything for this ogre.

 

“Come on, I’ll give you the money. You don’t have to spend yours on it.”

 

“What makes you think I’d do anything for you? My answer is still no.”

 

I roll my eyes at her and starts walking off. But then, she gets up from the couch, grabs her coat that’s been also sitting there, and puts it on.

 

“Very well, then. I’m coming with you.”

 

 

 

As I walk down the canned goods section, I’m starting to regret saying this was a better day than the past ones. Maybe I shouldn’t have made it official just yet, now fate has decided to screw me up again. I feel like the Universe and the Satan a.k.a Tzuyu are conspiring against me.

 

Yes, Tzuyu really did tag along. I couldn’t do anything, she’s desperate for some stupid potatop chips. It’s already a good thing she doesn’t tail after me right now just for the sake of annoying me. If she did I really would rather have the ground beneath me crack wide open and swallow me.

 

I stop and grab a few of canned goods Chaeyoung and I usally have, then I put them straight into the cart. Next target: veggies.

 

There are two more sections before the vegetables, and my eyes that won’t stop roaming catch a sigh of Chaeyoung’s favorite strawberry shortcake cookies. Without any hesitations, I turn to that section. As I get closer to the cookies I realize it’s the only one there is. Ha! Seems like this one’s meant just for me.

 

I reach for it with a huge grin, but then another hand comes after mine. And now there are two hands trying to take it.

 

I look at the guy and smile nicely. “I’ll… uh… take this. Thanks.”

 

I keep my smile on, but instead of letting go he tightens his grip on it. My smile turns into a sarcastic one. Yesterday, Tzuyu wanted to play Tug of Watering Can, now this guy wants to play the same game only this time it’s with these strawberry shortcake cookies.

 

“You don’t want to play this game with me; I’m an expert.”

 

“Is that so?” Then he tugs the strawberry cookies off my hands so hard I myself get carried slightly by his force. “Who’s the expert now?”

 

When he gives me a smirk that I know is intentional to piss me off, I feel like I can suddenly lift a whole cart and effortlessly throw it at him. His attitude reminds me of someone.

 

He turns around, ready to leave me here, but it turns out Tzuyu has been behind him this whole time, her hands tucked in the pockets of her coat. I was getting overpowered by a guy and she’s just watching there?!

 

She stands tall, so tall… taller than the annoying guy, even.

 

Suddenly I sense a hint of terror form him as he starts walking backwards while she takes steps forth. Like she’s someone he’s always dreaded.

 

“Hey, Chris. We meet again.”

 

They only stop when the Chris guy’s back is already against my cart, while Tzuyu blocks his way. He probably realizes he’s been cornered.

 

Chris guy holds onto my cart, as if not doing so would leave him no choice but to just collapse right here right now.

 

Now, I don’t understand what’s going on, but I just watch them—watch Tzuyu with her extremely confident and sarcastic smile. The one you give your enemy when you two meet again after you kick their ass.

 

“You heard the woman. She’ll take that.” She purses her lips to the strawberry cookies in his hands. “Unless of course you wanna go home looking like a whole panda. Again.” She says, with much stress on the last word.

 

Chris guy is quiet. I’m guessing it’s because he finds it hard to even part his lips. I don’t know for sure since I only see his back, but he really seems… terrified. _Traumatized_ , even.

 

“Come on. Put it in the cart. There, there. Very good.” Tzuyu smiles widely and messes the guy’s hair, probably just to mock him. “Next time, if you wanna act cool or bad ass, like me, make sure you already have enough training.” Then she jolts her head forward, taunting him.

 

Chris guy bolts away as fast as he can, and Tzuyu watches him while laughing. She only stops when she faces and sees the confusion spread all on my face.

 

“You’re welcome, by the way.” She says, her voice cocky, her tone cocky, her expression cocky—she’s being cocky. She tosses at least three bags of potato chips into the cart. Cockily.

 

When she starts walking away I feel relief as I just get rid of a fishbone that’s been stuck in my throat for years. When she turns back around, the fishbone is suddenly there again.

 

“Oh, and in return, I’ll water Chaeng’s plants tomorrow.” She sends a wink in my direction, and I just find myself grunting; she’s so freaking proud!

 

I must’ve groaned so loud that now the others are all looking at me.

 

“What?” I ask, then walk off the scene with my cart like it didn’t happen.

 

I really wish I hadn’t said this was a better day.

 

Tzuyu soon says she has to go somewhere and that I can just go home without her, and because I don’t really care about her, I let her be. I start preparing dinner as soon as I get home—a proper dinner this time. When Tzuyu comes back, I’m almost done cooking.

 

As I wait for the meat to be tender enough, I consider asking Tzuyu if she’s already had her dinner outside; Chaeyoung will be pleased if she knows I’m being nice to her unbearable girlfriend. So when I finish, I head out to the living room to ask Tzuyu, but there’s no Tzuyu there. I then see the door slightly opened.

 

Curious, I take a peek outside through that small open space. And there is Tzuyu, leaning forward against the rail at the balcony. This is the first time I get a proper view of her side profile. And also the first and only time I will ever admit she’s attractive.

 

My breath hitches as I watch her more. She’s motionless, and she looks lost in her thoughts, the lights below us reflect in her eyes. She has a lit cigarette clipped between her middle and forefinger. Her jawbone flinches when she takes it between her lips and huffs its nicotine, then she puffs the smoke out with an evident weight in her chest. I inhale softly and deeply, it’s as if she has something so heavy inside that she wants to let out.

 

I am about to go out there and tell her about the dinner when a drop of liquid runs down her cheek, then it gets followed by a quiet sniff. I feel frozen. She is… crying. And I just know it’s not because of Dear John or any other novels she has read. The tear she just shed held something a lot heavier than that.

 

Who is this..? This isn’t the Tzuyu that I know. This Tzuyu looks… fragile, and broken, and the way this Tzuyu makes me feel is so much different than how the other Tzuyu does.

 

More tears continue to flood her cheeks after, and it leads me to the decision to not bother her. I will just let her know that there is food in the kitchen later.

 

After having my meal for tonight, I just wash the dishes and brush my teeth, then I go to my room, passing by Tzuyu in the living room. I give her a secret glance—it seems like she’s feeling a lot better now; she’s playing that stupid mobile game again.

 

I proceed to take a shower, but the trickling noises of the water against the floor aren’t enough to keep me distracted from what I just saw earlier. I wonder if it’s about her family, or if she had a fight with Chaeyoung. Then I wonder if Chaeyoung has ever seen her that way. For once I don’t visualize Tzuyu holding a pitchfork.

 

When I go to bed, I grab the book sitting on my bedside table. Anything to keep me distracted and can get me sleepy will be really helpful right now.

 

But as I read, I know I only really _read_. I don’t understand any single thing. My thoughts keep flying back to that moment, to that Tzuyu. And everytime the image of her shedding that tear flashed in my mind I find myself just staring at these pages.

 

I shut the book closed, get my ass off my bed, head out of my room, and shock Tzuyu by suddenly tossing the book at her.

 

“Aw!” She sits up from lying down so fast I barely catch it when she does. She’s already covered in her blanket and I can tell she’s all set to go to sleep. “The fuck was that for?!” She rubs her arm where the book hit her.

 

Here’s the other Tzuyu I’m talking about.

 

“Since you have to download cheap ebook files so you can read novels, my kind heart is allowing you to borrow one of my books. Real books.”

 

Though I can see that her brows are still furrowed, she moves to get the book and reads its title.

 

“Oh, and there’s actual food in the kitchen. Just in case you still haven’t filled your tummy up with anything.”

 

I don’t wait for her to say anything back. I just lock my door and try really hard to sleep.

 

I just figured that maybe if the last Tzuyu I saw before I sleep was the annoying brat Tzuyu, I would have a peaceful trip in dreamland without being haunted by _that_ moment I witnessed. I can’t let it get to me, I can’t think of it this much… this hard.

 

But unfortunately, it doesn’t work. I’m awake until around 1 in the morning.

 

Worst freaking night of my life.


	3. Chapter 3

I wake up the next morning to my alarm clock going off madly. I shut it up with a really hard hit. Like, okay. I get it, it’s 6 am. Shut the fuck up.

 

Only when I have washed my face do I feel guilty for what I did to my alarm clock; I just remember I have jogging today. If my alarm clock didn’t annoy me to wake I would’ve been still snoring right now. Poor alarm clock, it just wanted to help.

 

I prepare myself quickly, and by quickly I mean in a span of an hour and a half. This is why I have to wake up really early when I have something scheduled. I really take my time preparing.

 

I put on my hoodie, underneath it I wear my black sports bra. I then cover my leggings with my P.E. pants which strangely still fits me even after years. It’s winter so I won’t look stupid having two-layer clothing. I tie my hair up to a ponytail before I get out of my room carrying only my phone and earphones with me.

 

Tzuyu on the couch is still sleeping, her forearm is on her forehead. Without realizing, I stare at her. I wonder… why doesn’t she snore?  Are rich people not allowed to snore?

 

Her other hand catches my attention, though, as she’s holding open the book I gave her in it. By the way the pages are parted I can tell she’s already halfway through it. Wow. She does _love_ reading. That’s not really something you’d expect when you see her outer appearance.

 

I stare more. Then I remember her crying. I stop staring. I can’t go soft for her. Because if I do I will end up liking her _for my sister_ , that can’t happen. Not until she pulls her life together.

 

I put my earphones on while jogging to the public park. I also send Chaeyoung floods of messages because it turns out she spammed me last night. She mentioned about Tzuyu not answering her texts and calls, and that she’s worried, so I guess they didn’t have an argument after all. I tell Chaeyoung I’m going to the park and that I might reply late, but I will.

 

When I arrive, I take my earphones off and get my phone from the pocket of my hoodie to check if Chaeyoung has replied. But she still hasn’t. I’m guessing she’s still asleep. I wonder if they’re having great progress with their project, and I hope they are.

 

I go to the public restroom just to look in the mirror and try to motivate myself.

 

“Okay, Nayeon,” I tell my reflection. “It doesn’t matter if most of the time you eat like a horse. What’s important is that you still exercise.”

 

The park has outdoor exercise equipment available for the public so I spend my first hour making use of every equipment. I meet the people I usually see here and we have small talks as we do our own things. When I feel that I’ve sweat enough, I bid them goodbye and start jogging around the park. With music blasting right into my ears I barely feel my tiredness. I think I even get to jog arounf at least three times before I jog back home.

 

When I arrive only do I feel the fast beating of my heart and the way my chest rises and falls evidently when I take a breath tells me I should probably take at least a minute and rest. I can also feel my sweat sticking from my head to my toes. That calls for a morning shower.

 

I plug my earphones off and leave my phone on our center table before pacing to the kitchen. My throat feels really dry and seeing the fridge coming nearer and nearer just fuels my thirst.

 

I go straight to my room after, and yes, I do notice Tzuyu’s absence in the living room. But I guess she's just outside, exploring this side of the city, or… I don’t know. A person like Tzuyu could be up to anything anytime. I don’t really care.

 

When I’ve stripped my sweater and P.E. pants off, my phone rings and I realize I left it on the center table. I dash right out, excitement burning inside me. I pick my phone up immediately and answer the call without bothering to check the caller’s ID.

 

“Unnie.” She calls, her voice still a little hoarse—I think she just woke up.

 

“Hey…” I can’t hide my smile. “How are you doing there?”

 

“I’m okay.” She giggles. “Don’t worry. We eat, like, five times a day.”

 

“I’m guessing you do more eating than working on the actual project?”

 

“How did you know?” She laughs, and I laugh along with her. Oh, I miss my sister so much. “But we’re doing it right, I guess. So don’t worry, we make sure we’re productive.”

 

“That’s good.”

 

“How about you? How are you?”

 

I pay attention to my nails. “I’m fine. I just got home from the park.”

 

“How’s Tzuyu?”

 

I don’t know why but the first thing that crosses my mind is the image of Tzuyu crying while she spoils her body with nicotine, the real emotion in her eyes… I just can’t get over them.

 

Should I tell Chaeyoung?

 

“Oh… she’s… okay… I guess?” I say, unsure of my words. Maybe I should let it come from Tzuyu herself. I have no rights to meddle in. It’s her issue, not mine.

 

I hear Chaeyoung let out a short chuckle. “Come on, Unnie, it’s okay, Did you two fight again?”

 

“I-“ I heave a deep breath, “Well, yes. We fought over who deserved to water your plants more.”

 

Chaeyoung cackles hard I think she’s choking. I knew I shouldn’t have told her.

 

“You two can take turns.” She says, still cackling in between her words.

 

“Taking turns isn’t a thing for us. It’s either we get it for ourselves alone or nothing at all.”

 

“Unnie, you have to give her a chance-“

 

“No, Chaeng. You have to give _yourself_ a chance to escape this relationship.”

 

“Nah, we’re not having this conversation.” She giggles, and I can imagine her shaking her head, too.

 

“Nope. Not on the phone.” I make it clear and she just laughs it off.

 

“Sure. Whatever makes you happy. I gotta go, Unnie.”

 

“Oh- okay… take care there.”

 

“I will. And you, too.”

 

She makes a kiss sound before hanging up. When I turn around to return to my room, I see Tzuyu staring at me.

 

“Oh my- I thought you were outside?!”

 

She doesn’t answer, just keeps giving me the stare. At first I think maybe if I stare back she will stop. But the longer I hold her gaze, the faster my heartbeat goes. There is this strange intensity between us and I really would appreciate it if my eyes will just stop reciprocating the stare as if they have their own lives.

 

When Tzuyu breaks the eye contact first only am I able to breathe again. I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath.

 

“You, uh… might wanna put on different clothes. Or is "Commit To Be Fit" your theme for today?” She asks then clears her throat, trying to keep her cool.

 

She doesn’t look at me after that, and she seems nervous, bowled over again… like how she acted yesterday. But this time it’s contagious; I can feel myself getting nervous, too.

 

“Oh…” I give my own body a scan. Right. I’m still in my sports bra and leggings. “Well, I was about to change, but Chaeyoung suddenly called… so…”

 

I don’t know why I don’t move from my position, and she doesn’t from hers either. We don’t look at each other but I know each of us is waiting for the other to do just that.

 

“I’m gonna go… change clothes…”

 

“Yeah, you should.” She rubs the back of her nape. I think she’s had enough sight of the floor, now she’s looking up at the ceiling.

 

My feet feel heavy, but I at last manage to get out of there. I think if I stayed there and it got anymore awkward I’d be the one leaving this apartment myself.

 

After that… unexplainable whatever in the living room, I decide to lock myself up in my room and just work on the things I can work on for our thesis. It’s just very little, though. I still end up watching a movie. When I get out to get myself food for lunch, Tzuyu isn’t there. Which is good. I don’t have to deal with the stupid weird feelings I’ve been feeling since last night. I notice that my book isn’t on the center table which makes me think she’s gone out to read.

 

I just stay in my room again until 7 in the evening. I do everything to divert my thoughts—I read, I watch cats on youtube, I install Candy Crush and play, and when I get tired of it I switch to Temple Run. I only step out into the living room again because I suddenly feel like having a cup of coffee.

 

Unfortunately, Tzuyu is in the kitchen when I get there. I turn my back as soon as I see her and try to walk away as smoothly as I can.

 

_Please don’t see me._

_Please don’t see me._

_Please don’t—_

 

“Nayeon.”

 

My heart skips a thousand beats. What is it with Tzuyu saying my name?

 

“No.” I respond immediately which earns a chuckle from her. Surprisingly it isn’t her usual I’m-pissing-you-off-that’s-why-I’m-chuckling chuckle. It sounds… natural, _charming_.

 

“I haven’t even said anything else yet."

 

I can’t move I can’t move I can’t _freaking_ move. And she’s there, coming closer and closer and I can _feel_ her. I don’t know what to do. My heart has lost its ability to function well. And apparently, so has my brain.

 

 “I made one for you. I figured you’d also love to have coffee at this time.”

 

There it is again, her audacity to touch our coffee brewer.

 

She’s now in front of me, extending a cup towards me. I take it, though I don’t trust her sudden niceness.

 

“Did you put something in this?” I ask, looking at the coffee. Because where else do I look? At her face? No. I won’t. Because I can’t.

 

“Of course not. Can’t a girl be nice just because she wants to?”  She chuckles again. I want to look I want to look I want to see her stupid dimple because she’s probably grinning right now.

 

“Thanks…” I say, and I swear I’ve never thanked anyone in a really awkward way.

 

“No biggie.”

 

I feel her stare for a couple more seconds before she finally takes off, and I can finally breathe. My heart keeps beating fast and I don’t like it. God, what is happening to me?

 

To take my mind off things, I decide to go outside to the balcony. Maybe the fresh and cold air paired with the city lights and a cup of coffee can help.

 

Only Tzuyu is there, too, when I get there. I take a profound breath. It’s okay… I’ll just keep my distance.

 

So I do keep my distance, and for a few minutes I find it really peaceful. Everything around me takes me to serenity. Living on the building’s 12th floor has its perks—refreshing wind, breathtaking views especially at night. Lights are dancing and are everywhere, scattered across the dim of the evening. I’ve always found it really pleasing.

 

“It’s beautiful.”

 

I ignore the sudden heat I feel when Tzuyu scoots closer. The heat rushes up to my cheeks for whatever reason, my grip on the cup tightens.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Satan is fond of aesthetically pleasing views? I see.” I try to keep it light. I can’t act all chickened out whenever she’s close to me.

 

She giggles. “Nah, let’s drop the angel and devil slash cat and dog relationship for now.”

 

“Oh, are you admitting I’m the angel?”

 

“Sure. If that’s what makes you sleep at night.”

 

I roll my eyes. This is the first time I roll eyes at her without wishing she’d disappear.

 

No one among us talks again after. But this is… different. No awkward atmosphere, no fights either. This actually feels good. Who would’ve thought that a cup of coffee is all it takes to break the ice between us?

 

“Hey, uh…” She pauses— _thinks_. She thinks of what she’ll say next, and I wait. “Thanks for the book last night. It really helped.”

 

“Helped..?” I ask, just so she will think I don’t know anything even though everytime I close my eyes all I can see is her shedding a precious tear. In this very place.

 

“Yeap.” She shifts her gaze to the view, I see it again… the lights’ reflection in her eyes. She takes a sip of her coffee, “I went home yesterday. That’s why I came here late.”

 

I only nod and hum, and I just listen as she pours a little part of her heart out to me.

 

“I received a message from my sister, she said my dad had just been off from the hospital. You know… he’s getting old. So I, uh, went there to visit them. Even though I know he probably didn’t want to see my face ever again… because he made it clear the same time he told me I was no longer part of the family… I still went to see him.

 

“I admit a part of me wished he’d already cooled down, and that he only said those words to me because he was mad at me. Because that’s how parents are… they say hurtful things to you, but they never mean them. Turned out my parents, especially my dad, are different. As soon as he saw me he got up on his feet even though he still hadn’t fully recovered- amazing what anger does to people.

 

“Then he pointed a finger at me and yelled at me and basically just rubbed in my face how they didn’t need me to come.”

 

The more I listen to her the more I realize that the reason she doesn’t look back at me is because she doesn’t want me to her eyes welling up. Her voice is shaking, and it’s obvious she’s trying hard to blink the tears away.

 

“I guess what I realized yesterday was that… they’re really better off without me.”

 

And it is followed by a series of sobs, and here I am, not knowing what to say. I feel like my lips are sealed together. But I’m touched she trusts me enough that she’s able to tell about that whole thing to me. Then I try to process in my head that I’ve seen Chou Tzuyu cry 2 nights in a row. My chest… there’s something in there… something heavy that gets heavier everytime I hear her sniff.

 

“I… uh… don’t know what to say.” I tell her honestly.

 

She laughs. “I don’t really expect you to say anything. I wasn’t even expecting you’d listen until the end.” She looks at me, her eyes a little swollen. She looks like last night’s Tzuyu. The Tzuyu that can soften my heart. “Thanks for that.”

 

She doesn’t wait for me to answer and walks across, then she sits on the ground, her back pressed against the cold surface of the wall. She puts her cup down, then digs for something in the pockets of her jacket. Turns out they’re cigarette and lighter.

 

“Is this okay?” She asks for my permission.

 

I guess she doesn’t just smoke for fun, but rather for the blues and gloom she bottles up inside.

 

So I nod and smile as a way of saying _yes_ , and I watch her put the cig between her lips. The way her thumb clicks on the lighter makes it seem that she’s been doing this for long now. Once the cig is lit, she shoves her lighter back in her jacket’s pocket.

 

I look away and gulp the remaining coffee in my cup. My heart keeps aching… for the proximity. This is wrong. I can’t be feeling this way.

 

The next time I look at her, her one leg lies straight while the other one is bent by the knee where she props her arms with. She’s also holding her cigarette with her second and third finger. I hate how I like what I’m seeing.

 

“Have you read the whole novel?” I shift topics. I just have a feeling it’s what she needs instead of me digging into her family issue deeper.

 

“The one you gave me?” I nod. “Yeah.”

 

“Did you cry?”

 

“Yeah.” She’s talking absent-mindedly, and she’s staring at something… she sees from where she is.

 

So I sit next to her to know what it is.

 

It’s simply the night sky.

 

“What do you think of it?” I ask, now giving the night sky my attention, too.

 

I listen to her quiet breaths as she takes her time to answer.

 

“I think… Landon was just a typical main protagonist.”

 

Feeling intrigued, I turn to her. “And why is that?”

 

“Well, he was molded to be every girl’s dream guy. Like, he married Jamie right there. And even though she was already dying he still managed to give her the wedding she had always wanted.” She takes the end of the cigarette in her mouth, inhales, and she exhales she says under her breath, with the smoke maneuvering out of her mouth, “All I’m saying is, he’s typical. The whole thing was typical. It’s predictable. And yet… it still made me cry.”

 

The way she’s so disgusted of the fact that she cried over a “typical” novel makes me smile.

 

“Do you wanna know what I think?”

 

She faces me this time, the strong mint in her breath creeps up my nose. “What?”

 

“I think it’s because you’re soft by heart.” She scoffs and chokes as if I just insulted her. I chuckle. “Why?”

 

“Please. You can associate me with any word, just not soft.”

 

“Why not soft?”

 

“Because I’m not soft.”

 

“Sure.”

 

I pull my knees to my chest and rest my chin on them as I feel her eyes still on me. My heart keeps racing, my head doesn’t know what to think, and I… I long for more proximity.

 

“Do you wanna know what else I think?” She asks, her stare remains resolute.

 

I look at her again, which, by the way, takes everything in me to do so. The composure that I so much try my best to hold together gets smashed when I hold her gaze for the hundredth time to day. Her gaze then travels from my eyes to my nose, to my lips—no. It _settles_ on my lips. She swallows. Hard. I know, because I see how the muscles in her throat climb up and back down.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I think… you were really beautiful this morning.”

 

I try to laugh it off even though every little particle in me is in chaos and it’s probably obvious how flustered I am. God, my heart keeps beating so fast and hard I’m starting to think I have two.

 

“Do you wanna know what I think?” I wait for her to answer. But she doesn’t, only slowly leaning forward, closer and closer. And I find myself unmoving, as if the way she looks at me right now immobilizes my entire body. “I think you’re crazy.”

 

“Your fault, not mine.” Her husky voice has officially sent me somewhere else.

 

I don’t move even though I have to. I don’t move because I don’t want to. What I want… what I long for… is more proximity. And seeing as she’s giving it to me leisurely, I can only close my eyes and wait until it happens. And I swear it’s the longest… 2 seconds of my life.

 

Next thing I know I’m someplace where gravity isn’t a thing. My tummy is in spiral. My heart has stopped beating. And my head has just exploded. When I open my eyes, everything around us is moving more times slower than how she lifts a hand to gently caress my cheek. I recognize the feeling of her lips on mine, and my mouth has tasted the mint of cigarette for the first time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!! Last part of this chapter is kinda steamy. Skip if uncomfortable.

Enchanting.

 

If I ever have to describe how her lips feel on mine, I’ll just say it’s enchanting. The acrid mint that she’s just relinquished in my mouth drives me insane. If only I could pull away… I wish I could pull away. But my lips want hers to stay right where they are right now. I’ve officially exploded into ecstasy when she tilts her head, sending her lips into movement. And I’m wanting it more and more. And more. And more. I feel every inch of my body tingling, from the very top of my head to the ends of my toes.

 

I close my eyes, letting her take the lead.

 

_This is wrong._

 

Her hold is in between gentle and taut. I don’t move, the glory of her mouth is overwhelming me and all I can do is melt. Should I kiss her back?

 

_Open your eyes, Nayeon._

 

But I don’t want to… what can I do? I am caught in a trap. A trap I don’t wish to flee from. Right now I am over the moon, on the seventh heaven. And so I figure… this isn’t a trap, this is cloud nine.

 

_Chaeyoung is her girlfriend._

 

I am about to reach for her cheek and draw our faces closer, because I crave it. That’s what my body wants. And at this moment I don’t really have the power to control it. This kiss… this girl whose mouth tastes like mint, she has the power over me now. And as if I can do nothing but surrender to it, I allow her deepen the kiss.

 

_Chaeyoung is your sister._

 

I pull away, and I feel as though I just got pulled up from the depth of the ocean. I inhale rather deeply and give her a mixed look of confusion and disbelief. She’s almost just as taken aback as I am. My mind is still all over the place. I attempt to say something, anything, but nothing comes out of me. I hate myself for letting her do that. And I hate myself more knowing I can’t put all the blame on her because I know… that a part of me liked what happened.

 

“We shouldn’t have done that…” are the only words that I can mutter, then I gather myself together just so I can get on my feet.

 

I leave her there.

 

*

 

I look at my reflection and I feel my stomach churning. How could I do that…? I feel disgusted and disappointed with myself and I can’t even look at my reflection for too long. I listen to the silence; I try to calm myself. God, I need to think straight.

 

But then I feel it again, the feeling of her lips against mine has left its traces. I unconsciously press my fingers against them, my heart stops as flashes of what happened bombard my mind. I shake my head along with the flashes off. Then I turn the faucet on, grab the soap and wash my lips aggressively. Tzuyu is my sister’s girlfriend. This can’t happen again. I can’t let it happen again.

 

I don’t dare going out of my room for the rest of the night, and she doesn’t dare knock on my door, either. I don’t even know if she decided to stay outside for a little more while or if she went after me. I don’t know how she feels about _it_ , because I just walked out on her without studying her reaction well. Now that I think of it, I suddenly feel guilty. Maybe I can sleep it off.

 

The next time I go out of my room is the next day. And it’s not even as soon as I wake up. I have to take at least an hour to compose myself and think of what I will do once I see her face to face again. I need to be calm. She can’t know she has this kind of effect on me. Not when I’m still kind of in denial about it.

 

Honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to do it. The mere thought of her irresistible charming morning look already melts me. But I know I’ll have to do it one way or another. And right now, I just want this over with.

 

My insides tremble as I reach for the knob. Despite my hesitations, I still decide against what I feel—I open the door and put on a collected front even though I can practically collapse with how frail my knees feel right now.

 

When I see no Tzuyu in the living room it’s likes the hands that have been strangling me this whole time finally feel tired and loosen their tight grip on my throat. I breathe as if it’s the first time in a long while.

 

“Tzuyu?” I call out, her name sounding weird to my ears. Perhaps it’s because I rarely say it with my own mouth.

 

I check the kitchen, there’s still no Tzuyu. I head to the restroom, but she isn’t there either. Then I think maybe she’s watering Chaeyoung’s plants. But when I check her room, Tzuyu’s not there. My only hope now is the balcony. I hope she’s there.

 

I sigh, still seeing no Tzuyu. And I don’t know if I’m happy about it or not.

 

To distract myself, I just water Chaeyoung’s plants. As I do I feel my conscience swallowing me whole.

 

Chaeng… she will never forgive me. Hell, I don’t even think I can ever forgive myself for what I did. And I know eventually I’ll have to tell her because the least I can do is to tell her the truth. And I never had the hobby of keeping things from my sister.

 

After that, I spend a whole hour on the couch, waiting for Tzuyu. I refuse to think she doesn’t feel at least a hint of guilt, so I convince myself that maybe she just decided to go out to unwind. After what happened last night, I can’t really blame her if she wanted to get out of here for a while and avoid me. I just wish I could stop thinking about her. At least for a second.

 

I caress the surface of the couch, then I remember the feeling of her hand against my cheek. It felt rough, but she held me so gently. Why, Tzuyu? Why would you do that? I gasp softly. I can’t spend my day like this. She went out to avoid me? Well, I can do that, too.

 

*

 

Momo looks really shocked when she opens the door to my face. God, I hate myself. I want to say _I’m sorry, Momo. I don’t mean to bother, but I’m really dying in my apartment._ All I can do, though, is give her a probably stupid-looking and apologetic smile. And I know I look even more stupid because I’m wearing a red winter beanie and hoodie with a thick jacket over it. What can I do? My body’s not very well-matched with winter, or any other cold places in general. But I do love winter, but winter doesn’t love me.

 

“I was… uh… wondering if you could accompany me outside? It’s really getting boring at home.” I tell her.

 

Momo laughs. And there’s that little squeak at the end of it. She always does that. That’s one of the first things I noticed about her along with her habit of scrunching up her nose and pursing her lips when she’s listening carefully. We’ve been neighbors for as long as I can remember and she’s a really bright person. She sometimes come over to mine when she feels like it, and we’ll watch movies or just do our homeworks together. Chaeyoung and I slept over at Momo’s numerous times, though it’s kinda dumb given that our apartments are literally only separated by a wall, it’s still fun. We go to the same University and we’ve past the formal stage towards each other. I can’t really say she’s my best friend, though, because I’ve never actually shared something very personal with her. But I like her. She’s nice.

 

“Sure. Just… hold up and I’m gonna go change my clothes.” She gives me a grin which I give back instantly.

 

I am about to step a foot inside when she attempts to push the door closed at the same time. I look at her, confused. She usually lets me in.

 

“I’m- I’m sorry, Nayeon. It’s just… really a mess here.. right now.” She then beams an awkward smile.

 

I just nod, though I don’t quite believe her excuse. I think she just brought a girl here last night and they slept together because she definitely smelled like sex. She seems like someone who likes doing the one-night stand thing. But then, who am I to judge? I let my sister’s girlfriend kiss me last night. I am no better.

 

I just stand there, leaning against the railing and trying to distract myself with my phone which, thank God, works. Then a message pops up on my notification bar.

 

_Dahyun: Unnie, tomorrow okay? 10 am._

 

I shut my eyes tight. I almost forgot- tomorrow’s the photography job at her cousin’s friend’s wedding. I start typing.

 

_Thanks for reminding me. I’ll try not to be late!_

 

Then I hit send, and I don’t wait for her to reply because I know she’s going to say _you forgot about it again, didn’t you?_ And aside from that Momo finally comes out all dressed up. I straighten up and smile at her. To make it short, she’s also practically buried in a thick layered-getup. Good. We can look stupid together.

 

“Where are we going exactly?” She asks me.

 

I giggle, then I cling to her arm. “Nothing specific. I really just wanna walk around.”

 

“Did anything happen?” She looks at me, and I can’t look back. Unfortunately, my eyes tend to let me down because they’re too easy for people to read.

 

“Uh…” I hesitate. I really want to tell somebody about it. I want to let it out. And I don’t think I will ever shut up about it. Like when your high school crush has asked you to be their date for prom, and you can’t stop feeling the stupid butterflies in your stomach.

 

But this is something. This isn’t just about a high school crush and all that crap.

 

“Nope. It’s just Chaeyoung’s not gonna be home for a while and I don’t know how to survive a whole ass week without seeing her.”

 

She laughs. Nervously. For whatever reason. I try to ignore it and focus on what she says instead. “She’ll be back before you know it.”

 

“I doubt that. I can totally feel her absence.”

 

“Well- she’ll be back _eventually_.”

 

I laugh. By the way she sounded I just know she’s done with me. She probably thinks I’m too clingy for an elder sister. In my defense, Chaeyoung’s the only family who’s been physically by my side for three years now. And between the two of us, she sure acts more like an elder sister. So it takes me a while to get used to it when she has to stay at her classmate’s house overnight even though it happens a lot.

 

Momo’s phone rings briefly, and she wastes no second to check who it is that messaged her her. I don’t clearly see the name since she doesn’t seem so fond of high phone brightness, but I am almost certain I see Chaeyoung’s picture as her lockscreen wallpaper.

 

“Wait, is that Chaeng?” My hand moves on its own, raching for Momo’s phone but she is fast enough to tuck it back in her pocket.

 

“Huh? Who?” She gives me a confused look.

 

I shake my head as I blink really hard. My emotions are deceiving me. I must feel too guilty for Chaeng while at the same time miss her so much that I see her in my neighbor’s phone.

 

“I’m sorry.” I cackle at myself, not only because I know I look dumb, but also to hide my embarrassment. “Sorry.” I apologize again, in a lower voice this time.

 

She giggles, and there’s that squeak again. “No, it’s fine. It’s cute. You two really are sisters, huh?”

 

I don’t know what she means by that, but I don’t let it bother my mind. I already have so much to think about and the reason I’m here right now, walking to nowhere with my neighbor, is to get my mind off of things.

 

We just continue to walk, talking about College and how much we dread going back to Uni even though we still have weeks to prepare ourselves and we also talk about our other neighbor who rarely gets out of her apartment she’s practically a ghost. We don’t care where our feet will drag us to. It’s always like this when I walk with a friend. Almost as if time isn’t relevant. I could walk all day if accompanied by someone I’m comfortable with.

 

I squeal when I spot a bookstore not too far from us. I point to it immediately and Momo is smart enough to know I want to go there. I’m not really sure if I have enough money with me right now. I just wanted to get out of my apartment that I only took my sling bag without really checking what it had in it. I’d like to go to the bookstore nonetheless. I don’t know why, but there’s always been this might that draws me in to bookstores, or any place where I know there will be books. I love being surrounded by them. It’s one of the main reasons why I decided to study Literature.

 

When I got inside and get that whiff, the smell of books, I almost forget that Momo is here with me. I give all my attention to the books which are stacked neatly on every shelf, each of different genre. They’ve always gotten me so fascinated, book. From how their fragrance gives me that foretaste of sentimentality to the beauty of its content. Not every book is as good as the others, I know that because we’ve been tasked to critique books since the first year. I also know that every masterpiece has both aces and blemishes, but you will appreciate them despite that. No matter how horrible it turns out to be, there will always be this one scene or even just a line that you will carry in your heart as you grow up. Authors don’t just write because they’re _authors_ and that’s their job, they write because they have a purpose. And they’re surely one of the best teachers I’ve ever known.

 

I feel sorry for Momo. We’ve been here for probably twenty minutes now and I still haven’t picked out at least one book. I’ve gone to every shelf for the third time now and it’s not that I don’t feel interested in any of them—it’s quite the opposite; many of them has hooked me, but the thing that makes this so hard is that, I can only bring one home.

 

Ugh. God knows how much I regret not bringing enough money.

 

In the end, I choose another Nicholas Spark novel. He’s one of my favorites. His works have never failed to make me cry so far. Reading his novels has always been a rollercoaster ride for me. When my friend Jisoo knew about my obsession with his novels she told me I must love ruining myself. I laughed and said, “Yes. I love crying. It’s healthy.”

 

Before lining up at the cashier, I ask Momo if a book has taken her interest, thought I know nothing has, it’s an act of being thoughtful for me. When she shakes her head, I smile and tell her she can just wait outside if she wants to. Then I get in line.

 

When it’s finally my turn to pay, I put the book on the counter, the cashier lady does what she has to do with my book while I dig for my wallet. Well, except I don’t have a wallet to dig up right now.

 

I bring my bag close to my face and look for my wallet more aggressively. Damn- did I just forget my wallet at home?! I’ve walked all the way down here without knowing that my wallet isn’t with me?

 

I have a deep breath. The cashier lady smiles, though she kind of looks impatient and so does this person behind me who keeps bouncing subtly on her position while biting her bottom lip, her look gets past me straight to the cashier like she can’t wait any longer.

 

Momo. I need Momo. I can ask her to lend me some money for now. God, this is really embarrassing.

 

“Hey,” I call the cashier lady. I’m gonna tell her I’ll just fetch my friend outside so I can get my money. “Would you mind if I-“

 

“I’ll pay for it.” The woman behind me butts in- oh, and she’s not behind me anymore. She’s now beside me, slumping a whole bill on the counter.

 

My eyes grow wide.

 

“No. No- it’s fine, I’ll just get my-“

 

“It’s okay, miss. Believe me, if you let me do this you’ll save me from trouble.” She says. So nicely. And when she whips her head, turning to the lady, her hair falls to her face so flawlessly. She pushes it back only to have it fall to her face again. “I’ll add this.” She talks to the lady, then shows her a- wait, is that a whole pack of guitar strings?

 

I’m confused- they sell guitar strings here?

 

“Should I wrap-“

 

“It’s fine. Oh, and give the girl my change. I just really need to go now.”

 

I can’t do anything but watch as the woman storms out the store. I blink, her face flashing on my head. She’s wearing a black leather jacket… with a little strawberry embroidered on its collar. She’s pretty, with those tense hazel eyes. The way she tapped on the counter impatiently left a ring to my ears as she wasn’t just tapping, she’s following a rhythm. But most of all, she looked really in a rush. Maybe that explains why she couldn’t even wait for her change.

 

I take my book from the cashier lady, then I stare at her hand as she extends bills towards them. I shoot her the look that asks the question that’s running on my mind right now: should I take it?

 

She smiles at me. “You should. She’s given it to you. Just make sure you keep it well.”

 

Feeling convinced enough, I nod and take the change before I exit the store with a slightly jumping heart. While walking, Momo asks me three times what’s with my smile. I just tell her it’s because I have bought a new book, which is partly true. The other part, I’m not quite sure what it is.

 

Momo and I decide to grab lunch outside, which she insists will be her treat, then we go to the mall to kill more time. I don’t buy anything; I have no money with me. I can’t spend the pretty girl’s money on anything, I’ve promised myself that I’ll keep it. Momo on the other hand buys herself a new cap and wears it backwards on the way home. It’s almost three o’clock in the afternoon when we get back. I thank her sincerely for tagging along.

I am now staring at the doorknob. If it’s still locked, then that means Tzuyu is still not home. I reach out for it, and my heart sinks when it doesn’t open with a wring. It is still locked. I huff, my cheeks puffing. I guess I’ll have to wait more, then.

 

But Tzuyu doesn’t show up even after I’ve had my dinner. I know inside I don’t only want to see her just because I want to talk, I feel a part of me getting worried. I wait at the balcony, accompanied with a cup of coffee. Soon it becomes two cups. Then three. She still hasn’t come home.

 

I give up past eleven. I can’t wait all night. I should’ve even slept earlier. I still have a job to focus on tomorrow. But even when I’ve gone to bed, it sure isn’t easy to fall asleep just like that. I’d like to think it’s the caffeine kicking in. But I can’t lie to myself; all I can think of right now is Tzuyu.

 

I close my eyes, allow silence to devour me and hope that in the middle of it I will hear the creaking of the door followed by her quiet and discreet footsteps. But no. It’s only silence until I fall asleep around two a.m.

 

*

 

“Unnie.” Dahyun gets up as soon as she sees me step a foot inside Milk ‘n Tea.

 

“Hey…” I smile at her as I still fix my hair, combing it with merely my fingers.

 

I woke up kind of late today and I only had minutes to prepare which, obviously, was not enough. Minutes will never be enough for me and my chic wannabe ass. But even so, I decided to leave home with at least some faint touches of powder and lipstick, _and_ with my hair looking like a wet bird’s nest. Because if there’s something more important than myself looking chic, it’s job. Because job gives me money.

 

“I’m sorry. Am I late?”

 

“Almost.” She answers honestly and grabs her things, her camera hanging on her neck.

 

I stop myself from saying anything though I’m kind of wounded that she doesn’t even let my butt touch the chair for at least two seconds. I know it’s my fault, though. So I just fix my backpack in place on my shoulder and follow her out of the place.

 

She gives me one of the coffees she’s holding, without saying anything I take it. I need this right now.

 

“Something happened?” She asks, her pace steady fast.

 

“Nope. Just had a hard time sleeping last night.” I take a sip of the coffee. I almost choke—I really love instant coffee better. The first time I had a classy city coffee it almost felt like I got drunk. I swear it sent stars running around above my head for some reasons.

 

“Nightmare?”

 

“Yep.” I lie. I’m sorry, Dahyun, but I need you to stop asking questions. “Can’t we just take a cab or something?”

 

“Nah. Church’s just right over here.”

 

When we get there we manage to take a few pictures of the place before the wedding starts. I have a fun time because the church is decorated so simply. Simple, minimal, yet so beautiful. Simplicity has always been my aesthetic. As I backtrack each of the photos I’ve captured so far, I choose the ones that I will keep for myself. I do this everytime. I don’t just take pictures because I’m supposed to. I do it because I want to, and I love what I do.

 

Minutes later, the wedding march begins to play. Dahyun is at the end of the aisle while I am in the middle. Basically, I’m their first stop and Dahyun is the last. Each of them takes a halt to have me take pictures of them in their astounding dresses and tuxes. The concept of the wedding is simple, and I can say I’m impressed by how they’re able to carry these simple outfits on so well.

 

 The bride is breathtaking. When it’s her turn to walk down the aisle I glace at the groom, his reaction to his soon-to-be-wife is heartwarming. The moment he sees her his eyes well up, and he takes a deep breath. He doesn’t take his eyes off of her. I think for him this is that _all I can see is you and everything else is blurry_ moment. I can’t really blame him. His wife is stunning.

 

“3… 2… smile!” And they smile for me, the bride and her parents who walk down with her. “Congrats.” I tell the bride. She smiles at and nods before she continues to head down to her groom.

 

I keep taking picture even after the priest has begun talking. I stop, though, when it’s time for the vows. I stop to listen. I can’t help but feel giddy and touched. They’ve found the soul they want to spend the rest of their lives with in each other. I know I sound like a whole ass romantic right now, but when you’re 22 and you still don’t have a _real_ commitment and relationship, there are only two options: you wish these couples hell when you look at them, or you with them eternal happiness. I prefer to do the latter.

 

“You okay there, unnie?” Dahyun asks. I didn’t even realize when she stood next to me. I was too drowned in my daydreams.

 

“Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“Because you’re girlfriend slash boyfriend-less and now you’re in a whole ass wedding watching two people look at each other like they’re their Universe.”

 

I laugh at what she said. Why does every one think that all singles feel nothing but _bitterness_?

 

“No, Dahyun. If anything… I feel happy for them.” I say, and I mean it.

 

The priest then tells them it’s’ time for the magical moment, for the kiss that will bind two souls into one. Then the groom, very slowly, leans in. His bride is not moving and just waits with a subtle smile. When their lips touch, I get attacked with flashbacks of how _her_ lips danced tenderly on mine, how _her_ calloused hand held me so gently.

 

My breath trembles as I touch my lips with the tips of my fingers.

 

God, that kiss is going to haunt me forever.

 

*

 

“Where in the hell are my goddamn keys?” I mutter to myself and rummage through my backpack once more, hoping that I didn’t just leave my keys inside. Because if I did, I’m damned.

 

Yesterday I forgot my wallet, and now I might have forgotten my keys. I’m only 22 and I’m already having memory problems.

 

I still haven’t found it, and it makes me groan out of frustration. I grab on the knob and shake it furiously. It’s so cold here, please. And I’m freaking hungry I haven’t had anything today but that coffee Dahyun gave me and a sandwich they gave us at the wedding. This day is starting to become a real asshole.

 

I change my mind when the door suddenly opens. And I’m not stupid to think that it does it on its own, my dumbness still hasn’t reached that point. But as I watch it grow wide open, I can only think of one thing…

 

It means Tzuyu’s home.

 

And I think right, because the face that welcomes me as I get inside is hers. I look at her for only a split second and I feel my heart beat doing that thing it does when I’m flabbergasted. I can’t look at her for too long, not yet. Not when I know she’s going to hold my gaze. Now I wonder why I was so eager to see her yesterday even when I knew I still wasn’t ready. And I still _am_ not ready. Her presence alone is disarming.

 

“Hey.” She greets me. And it’s awkward. Of course it will be awkward. She kissed me, her girlfriend’s sister. This moment has every right to be awkward.

 

“Hey…” After I put my backpack down, I close the door. I make it an excuse to turn my back to her. _Please just go._

 

I shut my eyes tightly. When she’s not here, I keep wanting her. And now that she is here, standing tall right behind me, I want her to go. Can somebody tell me to figure out what I really want and stop being a confusing bitch?

 

“I stayed… at my friend’s last night. Her parents weren’t home so we had a few beers and... yeah, I just figured I’d let you know.” Her voice sounds so… _close_ I’m having a hard time breathing.

 

Tzuyu has been making breathing a lot more difficult for me lately. I don’t know if I like it or not. I shouldn’t like it. Because if I do like it, that means I like her. And I shouldn’t like her. Because she’s my sister’s girlfriend, for Christ’s sake. The kiss shouldn’t have happened in the first place. But Tzuyu… she’s done something to me that my heart is going against my head.

 

I try to compose myself. I still don’t face her.

 

“Does… uh… does Chaeyoung know about this?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. She does.”

 

“That’s good.”

 

“How about you? Where’ve you been?” She sounds _closer_. My breath hitches.

 

“Job.” I simply answer.

 

“Nayeon.”

 

My breath hitches one more time. I grip on the knob tighter.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Did you look for me?” There is a hint of anticipation in her tone, like she expects me to say yes.

 

“Yes. Of course. Chaeyoung would disown me if anything happened to you.” An awkward laugh bubbles up my throat. I hate it. I hate all of this. I need to get out of here.

 

But Tzuyu is blocking my way. I didn’t know she’s _this_ close that I have to take a step back. And with that move I feel my back against the door. My heart beats faster and faster, harder and harder, ready to break out of my chest.

 

“No, Nayeon. Did you look for me because you’re worried?” Now I know the anticipation is not only in her tone, because her eyes are also practically begging me to say yes.

 

But even though the answer is indeed _yes_ , I can’t satisfy her by giving her the answer she wants to hear.

 

“No. I was not worried. Not even a bit.” I lie. I don’t look at her, I’m afraid of how hurt she’ll look, assuming I have the same effect on her. Tzuyu has successfully been granted access to my feelings that now I care for and about her.

 

I attempt to walk past her only to get shoved back against the door.

 

“Tzuyu-“

 

“You’re lying.”

 

I look at her. She’s aggressive, and her fingers around my arms are firm. I stop breathing. Now I figure it, there are only two possibilities when Tzuyu is around: it’s either my heart beats its way out, or it doesn’t beat at all.

 

“Why would you even want me to say otherwise?!” I yell at her, but it doesn’t falter her. She’s still here, in front me, inches away.

 

“I don’t know!” She yells back. “I just need you to say it…”

 

“Why are you doing this to me…” I ask her, my voice trembling.

 

She must’ve sensed my discomfort, her expression softens and her grip loosens. I take a deep breath. She doesn’t talk. And when she doesn’t talk it gives me nothing but shivers. Because when she doesn’t talk, and she’s this close to me, this only means one thing.

 

She wants to kiss me.

 

“Tzuyu, please…” I beg. I don’t know what for. Do I beg her to give me space? Or do I beg her to seal _our_ space closed?

 

I don’t have the chance to think more as the next thing I know she’s crashed her lips on mine. Again. When she moves her lips, I hesitate. But she’s too appealing to ignore, and I just find myself following her lead. I hate this. I hate this so much. But I want this, and I also want this so much.

 

As I circle my arms around her neck, I promise myself this will be the last.

 

Her hands climb down to my waist, holding me in a manner so gentle and subtle that I can’t help but want more of it, more of _her_. The warmth of her mouth strips me off of my guard. Every move of her head, mine follows. She presses her body against mine harder, and an unplanned whimper comes out of me. That’s so embarrassing. She must be feeling so victorious inside, hearing it.

 

Her hands climb down further, tracing my curves and settling on my thighs. She gropes them. Hard. And she wraps both on her hips.

 

I pull away, definitely flustered.

 

“What are you-“

 

She cuts me off, fastening my mouth with hers again. I just let her lead me. She’s propping my weight with the door, her hands still tight on my thighs. And I just let her, because I love what she does to me. I love how it feels, it’s so addictive, the best kind of stimulant. I could do this all night. She kisses me and I suddenly exist in a world with only two dwellers: Tzuyu and I.

 

I slip my fingers through her hair, tugging on it as I feel her tongue exploring every inch of my mouth. I’m running out of breath, but I don’t want to pull away. Because at this moment she’s the fuel that inflames the dormant passion inside me, and I don’t want that fire to die down anytime soon. I want to keep her close. So close. I want her all over me.

 

So I pull her closer, pressing her face closer by the back of her head. And she grunts, recognizing that I crave this as much as she does. She cups my cheeks sternly as if kissing me is all that she needs to live another day.

 

She carries me to the couch, to her place, and she doesn’t seem to mind my weight on her lap. Her mouth pulls away from mine, moving to my cheek, to my jawbone, along my jawline, and she just kisses my skin as if she’s eager to memorize how every inch of it feels against her lips. I keep catching my breath. And I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I’m a mess and I don’t want this to be over. I hold onto her, tighter and tighter. I feel her lips against my ear, and I explode when she whispers, her breath warm against my skin.

 

“You’re so stunning…”

 

I gasp.

 

“Shut up.”

 

I cup her jaws, then I kiss her. I give her consecutive pecks and she chuckles in between. Probably because she didn’t expect me to ever be the one leaning in.

 

I really want to say… that she’s just as stunning. She’s so beautiful. So attractive. And for some reason I can see through her, through this tough façade she’s built up to hide what she truly feels and to let only very few things to get to her. She doesn’t want to feel too much, when she does she makes sure it’s worth the damn she’s gonna give. And with that on my mind, with me leading this kiss now, I decide to make it less aggressive, more tender. I need her to know that she can always be herself when she’s with me.

 

She slips a hand under my shirt, I arch my back subtly upon the heated contact of her hand against my burning skin. Without intending to, I moan. And she grunts when she hears it.

 

“You even sound so fine, babe.”

 

I chew on my bottom lip. She’s touching and biting and kissing my bare skin and I allow myself to stop thinking and just go with it. Whatever happens tonight, I’ll just spend the whole day regretting it tomorrow—regretting it for the rest of my life, even. Because even though I tell myself mentally that this is wrong thousands of time, I can’t stop wanting her. The desire of having her close prevails.

 

I guess the brain doesn’t dictate our body so well after all.

 

Just when she starts to pull my shirt up, her phone just lying next to us rings. When I see Chaeyoung’s name on the screen, I snap back to reality where Tzuyu, the person I was kissing just a few seconds ago, is my sister’s girlfriend.

 

With every disgust and hate I can feel for myself, I get off of Tzuyu’s lap and fix myself. For Christ’s sake, Im Nayeon, stop making the same mistake!

 

I turn my back to her while she answers the call.

 

 

“Hey…? Yes… yes, we’re alright… she just got home from another photography job… yeah, don’t worry. Okay, I’ll tell her to text you back…”

 

I decide I shouldn’t listen to more of this, so I just head to my room. I need to wash up. I can’t go to bed still feeling her hands and mouth all over me. God, my lips feel swollen. I try to think of it, and I bite my lip because… damn, she is good at it.

 

I stop when Tzuyu chuckles, and I just know there’s something playful she thought of telling Chaeyoung just now.

 

“Oh, what we’re doing? We’ve just been… _dancing_. Like a showdown. It’s really _intense_. I know, it’s weird. But we’re getting along better now.”

 

I feel every heat in my body ascend to my cheeks. She’s unbelievably crazy! How could she say that as if it’s no big deal? And that’s her girlfriend she’s talking to after making out with her sister.

 

When she bids her goodbye to Chaeng on the phone, I grab a pillow from my bed and throw it at her.

 

“I hate you!” I yell from inside my room after I shut the door closed.

 

She just keeps chuckling.

 

“Sure, you do.” She responds, I can still hear the playfulness in her tone and all I can do is close my eyes and crash my forehead against my door.

 

She’s really something else.


	5. Chapter 5

Tzuyu is probably watering Chaeyoung’s plants right now, taking advantage of me being too busy cooking breakfast. But it’s better this way, the two of us spaces apart I mean. I wouldn’t know what to say if she was here with me. I don’t even think I’ve looked at her charming morning look in thee three hours that I have been awake. My effort is getting used up into trying my best to not think of what happened last night. Because she sure doesn’t seem as bothered as I am.

 

“Ooh, someone’s cooking.”

 

And here she is, the devil herself, Chou Tzuyu.

 

“Please don’t.”

 

“Are we playing domestic wives now? I love that.”

 

She loves to tease me because I get pissed easily so I decide to ignore her this time. With an eye roll. I turn off the stove and put the last sunny side up in the plate.

 

“Sure. Just ignore me. It’s definitely fine for me. I’ve gotten used to being invisible in your eyes anyway.” She says, feigning hurt.

 

I put the plates on the table with a thud, then I face her with my right hand on my hip.

 

“Are we really not going to talk about what happened last night? And last, last night?” I look at her forehead so she’ll think I look at her eyes.

 

“How are we going to when you don’t even breathe in my direction?”

 

I can’t answer. She’s right. Fair point.

 

“And besides, why bother?”

 

As we both slip into our seats, which are across each other, I shoot her a look of confusion. How could she still ask that?

 

“Are you listening to yourself? Hello? You have a girlfriend, Tzuyu,” cheating on your girlfriend is one thing, but cheating on your girlfriend with her _sister_ for me is another, “who, by the way, is my sister.”

 

I bawl my eyes out at her, but the grow back to their normal sizes when she stares back. I hate that it’s like this. How even did she have this effect on me? How did this happen?

 

“But you like what’s going on, don’t you?” She leans forward, I move back. My heart races and I can’t bring myself to speak.

 

She is right., I may feel so damn guilty, but I do like what’s happening. This whole thing with Tzuyu… whatever this is, this is my guilty pleasure.

 

“We can’t keep doing this.” Is all I can say.

 

I look away from her, and she chuckles. God, how is this just some kind of a joke for her? This is a real thing, a big deal, and she just chuckles? I’m starting to wonder if she really does love my sister, or she’s just using her so she can have a shelter while her family still has her banned from their palace. I always knew she’s a bad choice for Chaeyoung.

 

I’ve lost my mood to talk, so after I finish my meal, I just go to my room and let Tzuyu handle the dishes. She is not a visitor here; she should do some chores to pay us back for our kindness.

 

I spend the next minutes trying to reflect and regretting everything and hating myself and hating Tzuyu and hating Chaeyoung’s decision to bring her here and hating myself more for saying yes when Chaeyoung asked me to let her stay. Now we’re in a mess, and Chaeyoung doesn’t even have any idea that she’s in this with us. Most part of this is on me, but I refuse to believe that it’s too late to make this right.

 

I keep thinking and thinking until I fall asleep.

 

I wake up again to the impatient knocks on my door. I grunt. What does she need this time? Now I have to get up against my will.

 

“What do you need?” I ask her as soon as I open the door, and I don’t bother hiding that I feel _really_ annoyed.

 

“Uh… I-“

 

“Listen, Tzuyu,” I step outside and close the door, then I cross my arms over my chest and give her the most serious look I can fire, “whatever sick game you’re playing, please keep me and my sister out of it. I don’t want this to get out of hand so just… stop this. Stop all this.”

 

I wait for her to speak, but she just stares at me with her completely emotionless face. Like she doesn’t give a single damn about what I just said and what more I have to say. This only makes me even more frustrated and furious.

 

“Can you please take this seriously?! We-“

 

“I suggest you just write down your homily for now and just recite it to me later. I’m gonna be late.” She gives me a smile, which I just know didn’t mean, before getting out of my sight.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“I have a gig tonight.”

 

My ears perk up. Did I hear it right?

 

“A what?”

 

“A _gig_. You know. Like, a band plays in front of many people…”

 

“Yes. Yes, I know what a gig is. But… you?” I let out a chortle to mock. But she keeps her serious expression.

 

Oh, I guess she’s saying the truth, then.

 

She grabs a coat and puts it on, then I notice the tiny strawberry by its collar. My eyebrows meet as I try to remember where I’ve seen the same thing.

 

“What do you do? I mean… what’s your role… in the band?” I ask her, though it’s still hard to believe that she is a member of a band and that she’s sane enough to know how to play instruments.

 

“I do the drums.”

 

I gasp. Exaggeratedly. “You play drums? Really?!”

 

Now, I know my eyes are practically sparkling and the corner of my lips could be stretched up to the ceiling, but in a bad it’s always the drummer I tend to admire.

 

“Yeah,” she looks at me, confused but smiling, while I’m still trying to process in my head that she knows how to play drums. “Do you.. uh… do you wanna watch, or something…?” She asks awkwardly. I take it she’s not used to inviting people to watch her play.

 

“Is it for free?”

 

She chuckles, “Of course. We play in a bar. It’s not like a tour or anything.”

 

And seeing as I can’t really say no to this, I hurry to my room to prepare.

 

The bar Tzuyu is talking about is just a few blocks away from my apartment. When we arrive, there already are a lot of people. I look around. This is not my first time here. And before you can even think about it, no, I’m not a partygoer. But when you’re in college you will find yourself wanting to vent stress out in places like this once in a while. We’ve come here a few times, Jisoo and I, when we really felt like we just wanted to drop out.

 

It’s a typical bar. Dim with a bit of blue and red lights to add to the mood. There’s the upbeat music being played in a fair volume. There’s a bartender who’s wiping off whatever of the counter, behind him is a big neon sign that reads John’s. There also are the waiters and waitresses, of course. And there are people who probably just broke up with their couples, who have family issues (like the one who invited me here tonight), people who wish to meet their soulmate in this place, people whose grades are barely passing but they don’t care anyway—basically, people who want to get wasted for something or for nothing.

 

“Who names their band _Strawberry Jams_?” I ask, looking at the huge sign in the corner of the stage that just screams STRAWBERRY JAMS TONIGHT!!!

 

“Uh… Jeongyeon.” She answers. I just nod; I don’t know who that is.

 

“Does Chaeyoung know you play?” I ask eventually.

 

She looks at me, flashes her _proud_ grin and says, “Of course. Why else do you think would she fall in love with me?”

 

“You’re right. She wouldn’t have fallen for you if she didn’t know; you’re good at nothing but ruining lives.”

 

“ _And_ playing drums,” She adds, “Are you new to this?”

 

“Not really.” I answer, scrunching up my nose.

 

“Good. Because I’m gonna have to go up there now.” She nods to a certain direction, which my eyes follow. The stage. They’re setting up now. A girl sees Tzuyu and motions her to go there now. Tzuyu only puts an open palm up, telling them to wait, “Will you be okay?”

 

“Yes, of course. I’m a not a baby.”

 

“You are. But I don’t really have time to argue right now, so I’ll just say _okay_.” She smiles and I respond with a pokerface.

 

She doesn’t wait for me to say anything and runs up to the stage. I watch her give the other girls (her co-members, I assume) a high a five, the others a bro fist. I smile at the sight. I don’t know why seeing her with other people feels so heartwarming for me. She looks really comfortable with them. Somehow, I feel relieved that she’s got these people to surround herself with.

 

I just sit on a stool at the counter and tell the bartender to give me the lightest drink he can offer. Then I wait. Both for my drink and for Tzuyu’s band to play. I keep my eyes on her, interested in how she’ll be while she plays. I’ve seen insufferable and fragile Tzuyu, now I’m excited about which side of her I’ll see tonight. She sits on her seat behind the drumset so casually and delighted, like it’s her throne, holding her two beaters, her posture is proud—everything about her screams proud. She then puts her earpiece, and I gasp when she pushes her hair back, looking all serious and focused. The same girl who called her up earlier is in charge of the mic, the vocalist. There are 3 others; the keyboardist, lead guitarist, and the bassist who looks really familiar but at the same time a stranger to my eyes. I can’t spend more time studying her face. For one, it’s really hard to study someone’s face from afar especially if your eyes aren’t the best pair. And for two, the vocalist suddenly speaks into the mic, stealing everyone’s attention, including mine.

 

“Good evening, lovely people. Guess who’s back?”

 

The audience yells back, in unison, “Strawberry Jams!”

 

The band smiles at their enthusiasm, and to my surprise, even Tzuyu can’t hide the contentment she feels hearing the cheers and all. Her little dimple says hi, and my heart jumps.

 

“That’s right,” the vocalist giggles, “does anybody here have a request? No? Alright, we’ll sing the song we prepared, then.” She then gives her members a glance, asking if they’re ready, and everyone nods, the others put their thumbs up.

 

The vocalist starts singing, accompanied only by the guitar. After a few seconds, the keyboard adds beauty to the sound, creating this harmony that sends goosebumps all through my body. It’s really different when you see a band playing live. It’s just… more pleasing to the senses.

 

And then there’s the drum, and the drummer who plays out of every passion in her body. She’s banging her head in a subtle manner along with the swings of her hands, the beaters hopping from one drum to another. My ears focus on the beats she makes. I feel so… astonished, watching her play as if it this is going to be her last time. There even are times when she throws her head back, not looking at the set, but she still hits the right beat. This only means she’s been doing this for long now, probably even when she was still a kid, and that she loves what she’s doing.

 

I barely notice the other members and how they perform, but they sound amazing altogether. I wonder if they have produced their own songs or if they at least think of it.

 

After this song, the vocalist entertains the crowd with a little more chitchat again then she lets us know that they still have one song to play, asks us again if we have a request, nobody answers. I don’t think it’s because the audience is not interested, but because they just know they’re going to like whatever the band plays in front of them, anyway. The crowd loves them, it’s obvious.

 

“This song is another of The Cab’s,” the vocalist lets us know before they begin to play again.

 

I just sit here, astounded yet again. I haven’t even touched my drink—I don’t think I will. I don’t really like to drink; I don’t like how alcohol tastes. I only bought myself a glass so I won’t feel bad staying here for too long without having anything and paying for their service.

 

When they’re done, they wave a _see you again_ to the audience before going down the stage. I don’t know if I should go there to meet Tzuyu and say they did well. But then I think, nah, we’re not even friends. Then a voice inside my head interrupts and says, _“yeah, you two are enemies who can’t help but make out because of the undeniable sexual tension.”_

 

I silence the voice. Bitch.

 

It turns out I don’t have to come up there to meet Tzuyu because she does the job herself and comes to me instead.

 

“Hey.”

 

I just smile at her when she greets me. This seems like a not-so-normal atmosphere between us. So casual. It’s kinda scary.

 

I notice her bandmates trailing after her, looking at me and grinning. I think I know where this is going.

 

“Uh… these are… I don’t know, my shitty idiot friends, I guess.” She sounds really lukewarm, as if she doesn’t really want to do this. And I know this look she has on her face, this is the _I was held at gunpoint_ look.

 

“Hey, I’m Chaeyoung. You can call me Rosie.” The keyboardist says excitedly. First thing that crosses my mind? She’s a whole ass chipmunk with nuts stuffed in her mouth.

 

“I’m Jihyo. The loud one.” She winks at me, I don’t know what for, but I just giggle.

 

“I’m-“

 

“She’s Lisa,” Tzuyu cuts her off, “Her name is Lisa.”

 

The said girl looks at Tzuyu with disbelief, then at the others trying to gain sympathy, “I’m not even allowed to introduce myself now?”

 

“Nope. Jeongyeon’s orders.” Tzuyu says, making Lisa pout, but she ignores it. Instead she whips her head, looking around, “where is she, by the way?” That’s when I only notice that they’re missing one member. I think it’s the bassist, the familiar one.

 

“She’s in the restroom. Let’s not look for her and instead be thankful that she’s not here to ruin this.” Lisa says.

 

I just stay quiet, keeping my smile on, which probably looks weirder the more they look at me.

 

“So,” Jihyo says then clears her throat. She turns to Tzuyu, “who is this pretty girl you’ve brought to our den?”

 

There is something odd in her tone. I feel like they already know me, they just want to tease Tzuyu. And the way they shift their gazes from me to this tall, tan and gorgeous woman beside me and back to me again is making me feel like they know something I don’t.

 

“I’m Nayeon.” I simply say, avoiding their eyes.

 

“Ooh. Tzuyu, she’s the girl you like?”

 

My jaw drops upon hearing that from Lisa. And the fact that she’s not kidding, just pure asking, makes me even more confused and flustered.

 

I interrupt before Tzuyu can say anything.

 

“Uh no, you must be mistaken- her girlfriend is Chaeyoung, my sister.”

 

“Oh, me? Tzuyu? Have you been spreading fake news that we’re dating?” The look on Rosie’s face makes me unsure if she’s asking playfully or seriously.

 

“No, Rosie. You know I don’t call you Chaeyoung. And you’re not my type.”

 

“Who is this Chaeyoung, then?”

 

Why don’t they know Chaeyoung?

 

“I don’t know. Tzuyu mentions too many girls for us to remember who’s who.”

 

“You’re right. This fuck girl ass bitch.”

 

“Sure. Just talk shit about me. I’m not here. Not at all.”

 

“Do you hear that? I think someone’s trying to make us feel bad but is failing miserably.”

 

“Hear what? I hear nothing.”

 

“Well, that’s just sad.”

 

The other girls keep on teasing Tzuyu, while she can only rub her temples and I can see how hard she tries to heave patience. I laugh, she looks at me, and she kind of laughs, too, while shaking her head.

 

“No shit, though, beanface. I thought Chaeyoung was the sister of the girl you-“

 

“Chaeyoung is my _girlfriend_ , Lisa,” Tzuyu says, much stress on the word girlfriend, then she smiles at Lisa. It’s the smile that brings terror to you and spreads coldness all through your body, “you just suck at remembering things.”

 

“But-“

 

“Don’t,” Tzuyu gestures her to stop, making the poor Lisa actually shut up, “please.”

 

“Fine,” Lisa can only pout, she doesn’t talk after.

 

“You see, this is why you’re not allowed to talk.” Jihyo teases their lead guitarist while giggling.

 

“Hey, you guys.”

 

All our heads turn to where the voice comes from. It’s the bassist. And now, having her in a closer sight, I finally remember where I saw her.

 

At the store. She’s the pretty girl who gave me her change, was in a rush. Her hair still falls perfectly on her shoulders, and she still wears that leather jacket—all of them are wearing it, actually, like it’s their trademark.

 

“Jeong,” Tzuyu calls her, “This is Nayeon. Nayeon, this is Jeongyeon, the… uh… the one who had this whole band idea.”

 

“Hi,” I greet her, smiling, kinda hoping she recognizes me.

 

“Hello- have we met?” She asks, followed by a chuckle. I nod as an answer, and I let her take time to recall, “oh, right! That girl from the store.”

 

I laugh, and I just keep nodding, “yeah, it’s me.”

 

“I knew we would meet formally one day. I just didn’t know it’d happen so soon.”

 

“I guess I was meant to give you back your change after all.”

 

We both giggle, and we realize that the others in the circle have gone silent so we stop, at the same time, which only makes us laugh again.

 

“Okay. We get it. You two know each other. Can we get a table now?”

 

I glare at Tzuyu. The impatience in her tone gets on my nerves somehow.

 

“You have a point.” Jeongyeon says, then her eyes search for a table. Not long after she points to one, they go first and I follow them.

 

I’m not really sure why I’m still tagging along until now. I mean, I should’ve just gone back home when they finished performing. But Tzuyu just had to introduce me to her whole clique, which is cool, but now it’s going to be impolite to just walk out on them.

 

I am going to sit next to Lisa, I figure she’ll be fun to have small talks with, but Tzuyu insists I sit beside her and gives me her really serious expression, like there’s only one way out of the argument and that’s doing what she wants you to do. There are only two reasons why Satan incarnate is acting up: 1.) She’s being protective, given that this place is a den of sexually needy, drunk men. But I can handle myself, and I’m literally older than her. Or 2.) She just doesn’t want me to have fun. In the end I still end up between Tzuyu and Jihyo.

 

They are talking about… something I can’t really get a grasp on. It’s about music, they mention chords and bass and flats and sharps. All these things have one thing in common: they make me feel dumb. Tzuyu doesn’t talk much. She laughs when the others crack a joke, and when Lisa tries to say something but gets _“you’re not allowed to talk, Manoban”_ from the others, and I laugh, too.

 

They are funny, that’s unquestionable, and they’re also easy to get along with. When Rosie notices that I just stare dumb at nowhere while they talk about some music crap, she asks me, “how about you, Nayeon? What do you do?”. And I tell her I’m still in College, but I go on freelance photography jobs sometimes. And from there, I just find myself blending it. They make sure I don’t get left behind.

 

“Nayeon unnie, would you like a drink?” Lisa asks me, the others are absorbed in their own conversation. I think it’s about X-Men. I would gladly join in, but I know very little about it. So I just pay attention to Lisa.

 

“Yes, I would-“

 

“No, Lisa, she doesn’t drink.” Tzuyu blocks the drink Lisa is giving me with her hand.

 

“But she said she would…”

 

“Yeah, it’s okay. I can take light drinks,” I smile at Tzuyu to convince her.

 

“No, you can’t.” Tzuyu’s tone is final. She looks at Lisa, “put that away from her or you’re not allowed to talk for a week.”

 

Lisa gives Tzuyu death glares, but knowing that she can’t do anything to change Tzuyu’s mind, “freaking fine.” She just rolls her eyes, and seriously, I would, too.

 

No, I just _did_ roll my eyes at Tzuyu.

 

“You’re mad at me?” Tzuyu asks me as if there’s absolutely no reason for me to act this way.

 

I smile when I face her, but I make sure she knows it’s fake, “Nope. I am not mad. I swear I’m not. But I’m going home. Have fun!” I say sarcastically.

 

I don’t let her have enough time to stop me because once she asks me to stay, I know I’m gonna stay if she’s the one who tells me to. It’s not like I can’t handle myself? And I am not really fond of alcohol, I know my limit, so she can suck it all up and stop being an overprotective ass.

 

I tell the others I’m going home because my head suddenly hurts, a common excuse, but they seem to believe it. I head straight to the exit after I assure them that I will take care.

 

When I’m out and I can feel the winter wind slapping my face, I try to calm my temper. I should just stop thinking about it. God, I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. I should think about more important things like my thesis instead of being here. Why does regret always come too late? It just… sucks.

 

“Mind if I joined you on the walk?”

 

I raise my gaze from the snow-coated ground up to this girl who’s walking next to me.

 

It’s Jeongyeon.


	6. Chapter 6

_I raise my gaze from the snow-coated ground up to this girl who’s walking next to me._

 

_It’s Jeongyeon._

 

“Sure…” I smile at her.

 

“I heard and saw what happened.” She lets me know.

 

I don’t have much time to wonder why and how she’s suddenly here, because she mentions the name I don’t really want to hear right now after.

 

“I’m sorry about how Tzuyu behaved.”

 

I keep my mouth shut. I don’t really know what to say. She’s telling me this because Tzuyu is her friend, and she sees her good side because Tzuyu lets her. She’s saying sorry in behalf Tzuyu because she thinks she’s a good person. We all can be good or bad in someone else’s story, it’s our choice, and in mine, Tzuyu chooses to be the latter.

 

“You’re lucky, you know,” she continues, “she cares about you.”

 

I look up at her right after hearing it.

 

“What?”

 

“You don’t know her much, do you?”

 

Well, I only know she’s trying too hard to cover the fact that she’s capable of feeling, but not this one Jeongyeon is saying.

 

“I’m not surprised. She’s not really the showy type of person. She rarely finds people who she thinks deserve her care, so when she does, she kinda sucks at expressing it.”

 

“Yeah, I can tell.”

 

Jeongyeon laughs, but I am not even joking. Tzuyu can be really, _really_ insufferable. Even the lecturers at the University knows this and they couldn’t figure out what to do with her, so they had to resort to the last option: kicking her out.

 

“She’s not that bad.”

 

“I know,” I stretch the corners of my lips up a bit to assure her, and I mean it.

 

I know Tzuyu isn’t completely a Satan incarnate. She’s got both good and bad in her blood, we all do. But as I’ve said, it’s her choice. Will she be a huge pain in the ass? Or will she be a civilized citizen who will treat others as they should be treated? It’s like she prefers everyone hating her than receiving love because she’s scared of it. That just doesn’t make sense to me.

 

Why would anyone choose to be the bad person?

 

“Should we grab something first? You know, dinner…” She offers, shifting topics. She must’ve sensed I don’t really want to talk about Tzuyu.

 

“I’m fine. Maybe next time.”I tell her, then I wrap my coat around my figure tighter.

 

“Alright,” she gets her phone, “give me your number, then. So I can make sure that _next time_ happens.”

 

I chuckle and shake my head. We stop walking for a while as I type in my number to her phone, then I give it back to her and let her save my number under any name she wants.

 

We continue talking after that. She tells me about her family’s coffee business which I instantly react to because I dislike coffees from coffee shops. Jeongyeon then promises me that she’s going to bring me to theirs and make sure that after the first sip, I’ll have my mind changed about coffees from coffee shop. I laugh, but she tells me she’s not joking, and I laugh more, and she laughs too.

 

“Thank you.” I tell her once we’ve reached my building.

 

She smiles and nods, “don’t mention it. I’m also headed this way.”

 

I tell her to take care as she walks away, and she turns her head once more to wave a hand at me.

 

When I get to my apartment, I throw on my sweatshirt and shorts. Then grab whatever I can from the fridge and heat it in the oven. After dinner, I start on my evening rituals and go straight to bed. It is hard for me to sleep, though, as pieces of the talk I had with Jeongyeon keeps on knocking my senses awake. I take a soft breath; I hear Jeongyeon’s voice in a distance saying that Tzuyu cares about me. I chew on my bottom lip, helping myself from smiling. My heart races. It always does whenever I think of Tzuyu, or when she’s right in front of me.

 

I sit up on my bed. Of all people… why Tzuyu? Why does it have to be my sister’s girlfriend? I’ve told myself a thousand times that I can’t be feeling this way. But even my brain can’t dictate my heart now. I look back in the days, and I realize it wasn’t like this just a week ago. God, it’s amazing and unbelievable how many things can happen within such a short period of time.

 

My ears perk up on the sound of the door outside opening slowly. She’s home.

 

I get out of my room to check on her—who knows if she’s knocked herself up with alcohol?

 

“Tzuyu.” I call her

 

She looks at me, and surprisingly, she looks pretty sober.

 

“Nayeon.” She calls me back. It always startles me when she says my name, it makes me feel… feverish and nervous at the same time, as if it’s its first time rolling off her tongue.

 

I can’t talk back immediately; I don’t know what to say. All I know is that, I want to make sure we’re okay before I sleep.

 

“We’re okay, right?” Now that I’ve said it out loud, I realize it sounds stupid.

 

“Of course,” she says, smiles after, “of course we are.”

 

I gasp, “It’s just… what happened earlier-“

 

“Is my fault. I shouldn’t have acted that way.”

 

“Yeah, well… I’m still sorry for leaving so suddenly like that. It’s just… I really don’t appreciate it when people tell me what to do, or when others decide for me.”

 

I just realize I’ve now walked towards her, and the couch serves as the only boundary between us. I also just realize how crucial this situation is. Because we’re close again, and we both know what happens when we are.

 

“I understand. I don’t like it when people do that, too.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“Okay.”

 

Is this it? Is that all we have to say to each other? Is it time for me to go back to bed now? Because I sure don’t feel like it. I want to stay here. I want to see her, listen to her, and I want to _feel_ her. If it isn’t too much to ask, I’d say I want to know how it is to fall asleep in her arms. Despite knowing that merely thinking of these things is already wrong, I just can’t stop. This is the first time someone has had this effect on me, so I don’t know what to do and how to help myself. I’ve been keeping this to myself because I can’t just go around and say I feel something for my sister’s girlfriend and I want to kiss her all the time. But I want to let this out, because I’m afraid one day these feelings will consume me and I’ll just… combust.

 

I turn towards my room. That’s right, Nayeon. You promised yourself last night that it was the last. You’re going to wake up tomorrow feeling proud of yourself because you’ve managed to resist her. And you’re just gonna have to do it all over again until it’s not this hard for you to turn your back to her. Because it’s wrong. To have feelings for your sister’s girlfriend is wrong. But it’s not too late to free yourself from her grasp.

 

“Nayeon.”

 

When I hear that, I face her as fast as a cell responds to a stimulus. I walk back to her; I was hoping she’d call me again.

 

“Yeah?” I hate how I sound as though I’m expecting something special.

 

When she walks past the couch, coming up to me, I think… maybe there’s something to expect after all.

 

“Thank you… for watching me play. It’s been a while since I last invited someone to come and watch me.” She says. Sincerely.

 

“Well, thank you for asking me to come along.”

 

“Are you headed to bed now?” She comes closer.

 

“Yes, I was. But then you called me…” As I trail off, I know it is my turn to take a step closer.

 

“Do you mind if we… uh…”

 

She is leaning closer. I am leaning closer.

 

Then I say, “no. Not at all.”

 

Our lips touch. And there is that enchanting feeling again, an electricity filled with bits of magic surging through me. I feel the firmness of her grip again on my waist, and my body aches for more. So I draw her closer by the collars of her attractive leather jacket which doesn’t really help me ignore her appeal at all. Later on, after a few moves of her head which mine follows, I push the clothing off her shoulders. That makes her grunt. I love the sound of it.

 

Soon, she pushes me until we’re inside my room, then she pins me on the wall, my back makes a loud thud against it but I ignore it. I ignore everything else. Because I’m here in her arms, blessed with the glory of her mouth once again as her hands roam all over my back, and that’s all that matters. All I can think of is, _damn, I want her._

 

Her mouth tastes like alcohol mixed with a bit of cig, bitter and strong— _intoxicating_.

 

What is it with Tzuyu that disables my brain whenever she’s around me? I wonder… does anybody else feel this way? The feeling when you’re completely aware that this thing is wrong, and yet you can’t get rid of it. In every moment that you do it, you just think that… if this really is a sin, I don’t mind going to hell. Not at all. Because what matters is _now_ , and I need to get what I want.

 

She is now in her v-neck shirt, a simple stupid v-neck shirt, and yet when I look at her every atom in my body trembles, and they create friction that induces heat. _Heat_ is all over me and I’ve never wanted to release something so much. So when she lifts my sweatshirt up above my head, I don’t stop her. When she dives into my neck and grace my skin with the warmth of her mouth, I don’t stop her. I can’t do anything but let quiet whimpers out, because I’d go crazy if I continued to hold them back, and because I know she loves to hear them.

 

I feel her desperation when she tugs at my shorts. My heart races as if it hasn’t been racing this since this all started.

 

“Is this okay?” She asks against my ear, the way she breathes in and out is stunning me.

 

_She is so damn hot._

 

I slip a hand under her shirt, and I leave sensual touches all over her bare stomach. The plan was to have her go crazy with my touch, too, but instead it’s her who still has me groaning. _She’s got abs_. But I catch it when her breath stops briefly. I smirk; it’s nice to know I do drive her nuts, too.

 

“Keep going.”

 

And she really does keep going. She takes her shirt off first, tosses it somewhere carelessly. My eyes land on the scar embedded on her shoulder. On impulse, I move my hand and trail my fingers along its softness.

 

“Where did you get this?” I ask, almost out of breath.

 

“From a fight,” she answers. “Chaeyoung thinks it’s a bad remembrance.”

 

I look up at her, shaking my head. “I think it’s beautiful.”

 

She grins.

 

“I thought you said we couldn’t keep doing this?”

 

_“But you like what’s going on, don’t you?”_

 

*

 

When I open my eyes and see a naked Tzuyu next to me, in my bed, the first thing that crosses my mind is: why do we keep finding pleasure in the bad things?

 

I shut my eyes closed so tight that when I open them again I feel a little dizzy. I give my own temples a massage while mentally cursing myself to death. I see her white shirt hanging on the edge of my bed. I reach for it and slip in it. Tzuyu’s clothes aren’t really the hardest clothes for me to wear because of her size. I walk around the house with her shirt looking like a whole ass dress on me. I collect the other clothes that are scattered messily all over the floor. I barely remember anything from last night, but there are a few parts still vivid in my head.

 

Her scar, the smell of her sweat, how she moved on top of me- and I think I’m oversharing.

 

I check my phone after that. There’s a message from Jisoo saying we have to meet up today. It’s about damn time. We haven’t progressed much on thesis since the winter break began. And our goal is to finish as soon as we can because once the next term starts, there’ll be more things to do and we’ll end up cramming and not knowing which one we should prioritize above all.

 

I reply to her, I say I’ll just do my laundry and we can meet up at 2. She only leaves me on read. Yep, that’s my best friend.

 

I don’t wake Tzuyu up, she’s still sound asleep. I take a bath to clean my body, wishing it could also cleanse my soul and wash away my mistake. Every trickle of water against my skin reminds me of her touch, and how she kissed every inch of me. I close my eyes. I just can’t stop _feeling_ her. I don’t want to stop feeling her. But then I remember that she’s Chaeyoung’s girlfriend.

 

I have to stop feeling her.

 

I go out of my shower room to Tzuyu zipping her pants up. Automatically, I turn away.

 

“What? You’re gonna act like you didn’t see all of me last night?” She teases, my face heats up.

 

“How can you be so cool about it?”

 

“I’m cool as long as I’m having my fun.”

 

“So this is your fun? To cheat on your girlfriend with her own sister?” I raise my voice.

 

“Well-“

 

“You all attractive asses are like that. You take advantage of your looks to have so many people wrapped around your dirty little fingers. That’s just pure evil.”

 

“You do realize you just gave me a compliment, right?”

 

“Yes. Yes, I do realize that,” I shut the hell up for a while. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I thought this would make me look edgy. “Just. Get out.”

 

She chuckles, obviously enjoying how pissed I am. It’s that _I’m annoying you that’s why I’m chuckling_ chuckle again.

 

Oh, so we’re back to being cat and dog, huh?

 

“Sure. Oh, and by the way, you’re the reason why my little fingers are dirty. Thought I’d let you know.”

 

I feel frozen in my position. I can’t make out any word. So when she’s finally out of my room, I scream out of annoyance. One moment she’s so nice to me, then seconds after she’s back to being a huge pain in the ass, annoying me as if it’s her only means to live.

 

I finish my laundry as planned and I get ready around 12:30. I don’t bother eating lunch and just head straight to the door when I get out of my room all set. But Tzuyu grabs my arm, making me turn to her. I am just about to protest when she startles me with a kiss on my lips, as if it’s something that should be a normal thing between us.

 

“Tzuyu…”

 

“You take care… wherever you’re going.”

 

I don’t get to say anything after that, because she just turns away amd goes to the kitchen. Besides, I don’t have anything to say, either.

 

I leave with the feeling and taste of her lips lingering on mine.

 

*

 

A hug is the first thing Jisoo gives me as soon as I’m within her reach. Then she gives me a bunch of papers after.

 

“There. Those are our last revisions. Let’s give them a read and criticize our professor for pointing out “mistakes” that don’t really seem anything like a mistake at all.” She tells me before sitting down again.

 

I occupy the chair next to her. We’re outside the café, and the two cups of coffee are already resting on the round table with her laptop.

 

I chuckle, then I tell her, “stop it. He’s old and lonely. Let’s just let him be.”

 

“You’re right. The side effects of growing old single. Maybe instead of doing this stupid thesis, we should just find him a wife or a husband just so he would stop venting out his frustrations on us.”

 

I let her talk crap about our professor as I read the papers. She’s right. There are a few marked as wrong using a bloody red pen even though they don’t really seem so bad. I would be really upset, too, but Jisoo here has said enough about him that if I added up, I’d just feel bad for him. So I just laugh from time to time and agree on what she says.

 

Then she shifts subjects.

 

“Enough about that old man. How’s your break so far?”

 

I sit up straight. How do I answer this question?

 

“It’s been… fine.” _It’s hell. Most of the time I wish I could move out of my own apartment for a while._ “How about you?”

 

“Ohh… you don’t say much and suddenly are asking about me. That means one thing: you’re trying to avoid being the center of our little chitchat.” Her tone is teasing and so is her glance.

 

I let out a chuckle, try not to make it sound too awkward.

 

“I’m not. Can’t I be interested in your life?”

 

“Something is still fishy. But since I love attention, okay I’ll just tell you how mine is going instead.”

 

She keeps going and going, and I keep nodding and laughing when I feel the need to. I don’t really understand it all. But she says they’re going out of town next, next day, that’s why she asked to meet up today.

 

I tell her, “that’s good. At least we can make a few progress before you go.”

 

Then she says, “oh, no, we’re not really here to _“make progress”_.”

 

I stare at her. I blink. It’s as if everything has gone silent. “Then what the hell are we doing here?”

 

She smiles so wide it actually looks scary. I see, the devil no. 2 has planned something.

 

So it turns out she didn’t ask to meet up for thesis, but to go to karaoke. She knew I wouldn’t go if she straight up told me she wanted to make a mess of herself at the karaoke house again so she used our thesis as a cover.

 

We order a few bottles of beer, most of them gets emptied by her. I decide have only one bottle, but in the end, Jisoo still gets half of it.

 

“Jisoo, slow down- God, you’re really lucky you don’t live with your parents or you’d be disowned by now.” I yank the last bottle from her and put it away.

 

She’s drunk now so she’s not sane enough to stand on her feet and get the beer back. The microphone has been abandoned on the center table for a few minutes now, but the karaoke is still going. The high-pitched instrumental of Maroon 5’s Sugar is getting irritating so I grab the remote and mute the damn thing.

 

I focus on Jisoo again. I know why this bitch is being like this. It’s because of her long distance girlfriend.

 

“I’ve told you many times before, just break things off with her,” I fix her hair, keeping them from getting on her face. God, she’s so sticky. “She doesn’t even treat you right.”

 

I’m scowling right now, I know it. I feel how my face crumples whenever we talk about Jennie, her girlfriend who she met over the internet. Now, don’t even get me started on how much I wonder how she established so much trust for someone she only knows virtually.

 

“Have you ever fallen in love, Nayeon? Like… really fallen in love?” She asks me, and I just give a look saying _what kind of drama is this?_ But she doesn’t really look like she’s joking.

 

Okay, I think I’ll give drunk Jisoo a chance. Who knows, maybe she makes more sense than the sober Jisoo?

 

“Because you sound like you haven’t.”

 

“Okay, I’ll let that one pass because I know you’re drunk and you don’t mean it.”

 

“No, listen to me,” and so I listen to her. “Once you feel that… that feeling, it’s really going to be hard to listen to anyone. Even though you want to stop, you just can’t bring yourself to stop. Because this,” she points at her heart. “This wants it. And once this beats, it’ll be the only thing you’ll hear,” she pauses again. And as she slowly succumbs to sleep, she manages to say, “as long as you still get to be a part of her life, and she of yours, then everything is okay.”

 

“Do you realize how toxic that sounds?”

 

She doesn’t answer. She’s passed out. And I don’t really want to force her to open her eyes and have more of this talk. I know she has a point. But I am not in the mood to think much about it. Not right now when my best friend is even more wasted than I am.

 

I spend the next moments looking for Jisoo’s phone. Jisoo doesn’t like applying security measures on her phone so it’s going to be easy for me to get access to whatever’s in it. When I find it (and she’s literally sitting on it), I see a lot of messages but ignore them. Instead, I proceed to check her recent calls and dial the first person on the list, its contact name is just the rose emoji. Intriguing.

 

 _“Jisoo? Where are you?! It’s 7 o’clock! I’ve been waiting outside your apartment for an hour now and you don’t reply to my messages.”_ The girl on the other line sounds really worried. I even think she’s pacing back and forth right now.

 

“Hi…” I don’t mean to sound weird, but I still sound weird.

 

The girl doesn’t respond right away, and I know she’s probably recognized it isn’t Jisoo’s voice that answered her.

 

 _“Who- who’s this?”_ Her tone is calmer now, talking to me.

 

“This is her friend. We’re here at the Karaoke House near the movies. If it’s okay, can you… come and take her home? She’s really drunk and-“

 

_“I’m on my way.”_

 

Then the next thing I hear are those three _toots_. She just hung up on me.

 

Though I feel like I won’t get along well with this girl once we see each other in person, I’m still thankful she’s here to take Jisoo home. I would do it myself, but it’s already dark. The girl gives me the impression she’s willing to do anything just to make sure this dumb ass right here is safe by the way she sounded like she’s storming out the moment I told her Jisoo was drunk. I can tell she cares about her. Now, I won’t be worried and am certain that my friend will get home in one piece.

 

The person arrives 15 minutes later, and to my surprise, I’ve actually seen her before.

 

“Rosie?” I blurt out, sounding surprised. Well- I _am_ surprised.

 

She grins at me, her eyes wide; she can’t believe this, too.

“Nayeon- oh my God, it’s you! I’m sorry I was rude earlier. I was just…”

 

“It’s fine. I understand,” I say, then I motion to Jisoo who looks really miserable in the couch.

 

“Ah, they had a fight again.” I hear Rosie say to herself, then I watch her make her way to Jisoo.

 

“Jennie?” I ask, but it’s only to let her know that I know about it, too.

 

She seems shocked, but answers nonetheless, “yeah. They’ve been really having it hard this week. Jennie barely talks to her anymore, says she’s busy… but I feel like she’s slowly ghosting this dumb ass.” She sighs, her gaze fixed on Jisoo.

 

From that moment, I sense something. From that moment alone, I know, Rosie cares for Jisoo so much more than just as a friend. I would facepalm right now, how could Jisoo be so blind? She’s trying so hard for someone who’s miles away from her and who’s not even worthy enough, when the person who would rob all the stars from the sky for her and some shit is right in front of her.

 

“I’m gonna take her home now, so she can have a proper rest.”

 

I smile at her and nod, “Sure. Thank you, Rosie.”

 

“No. Thank _you_ for calling me.” She chuckles.

 

I help her pull Jisoo up to her feet. Then we share her weight, dragging her to Rosie’s car. Before they leave, Rosie thanks me again. And I watch her car drift away, I hope that Jisoo sees her soon, the way Rosie sees her.

 

I walk home. This is why I don’t really want to be out late. Because I like to walk home, to appreciate the lights dancing in the dim. If the view from up there is good at this time, the one from down here is just as breathtaking. I see the lights up close. The nightsky looks more… beautiful from afar. The starts look closer to one another and the moon looks more in place in the center of it all.

 

I pull my coat to have it embracing me tighter. It really is cold. I merely breathe and there’s the icy smoke coming out of my mouth. At first I consider buying food outside, but I figure it would be a waste of money since I still have some left overs stocked in our fridge. Chaeyoung is coming back tomorrow. I should save the money for the next day, to treat Chaeyoung somewhere for her hardwork. And to silence my guilt at least a little. God, I don’t know how to do this. The cold doesn’t help and I just want to cry.

 

I remember what Jisoo said, that once the heart beats, that’s all one can hear. I’m so afraid. What should I do to stop this? I can’t let these feelings grow any deeper, because if this grows deeper then I’ll be having a hard time moving forward. And worse… once I let my sister know, my relationship with her might not go back to how it used to be.

 

I breathe in. I can overthink about this after Christmas. I’ll give myself until Christmas before I punish myself. Then I’ll prepare to tell Chaeyoung the truth. That I’ve been making out with her girlfriend. And we had sex. And her girlfriend was the first person to ever go that far on me.

 

I breathe out. Easier said than done.

 

As I push the door open, a melodious sound starts serenading my ears. It’s so gentle. I’m dumb when it comes to music, but I am certain this is a guitar I’m listening to. I follow the sound, intrigued. It’s obvious who it is; there’s nobody else here unless Chaeyoung decided to go back earlier than planned. But I still want to witness it with my own eyes.

 

I stand still at the open door of my room. I see Tzuyu sitting on the edge of my bed, plucking the strings with her swift fingers. The music she makes takes me away from where I actually am. She looks at me, smiles, but doesn’t stop playing. I feel my heart roll down to my tummy. And it’s beating there.

 

I want to move. Why can’t I move? Oh, right, I’m stunned, mesmerized. My heart is doing it again, that abnormal beating. Still in my tummy.

 

Tzuyu stops, puts the guitar down by her side, then she starts to walk towards me. Why is it as if she knows what she’s doing to me? Like right now, she knows my feet are glued to the ground, so what better move than to get closer to me and melt me, right?

 

“You’re gone almost the whole day so I… kinda had to look for something to distract myself. And I found Chaeng’s guitar… so…” She rubs the back of her neck, shy.

 

“It’s- it’s okay. You’re her girlfriend, after all.” I tell her and force a smile.

 

I will have passed by her right now, but she grabs me by my wrist—I realize I have been aching for her touch—and without any word coming out of her mouth, she kisses me. She kisses me like I’m all that matters. And being the stupid one, I actually believe that I’m all that matters to her. What is it that convinces me that she means all this? Is it the tenderness of her hold? The warmth of her body against mine? Or maybe it’s way she moves her lips on my lips? So slow and gentle and just... leisurely that I can’t help but fade away.

 

I kiss back. I’m so fucked up.

 

I keep thinking about what if Tzuyu didn’t come into our lives? I wouldn’t be in this kind of situation. Life would’ve been a lot easier. But for some reason, imagining my life without Tzuyu now doesn’t feel so right, either.

 

When I pull away, her head follows. I stare into her eyes, at her beautifully molded face, then I tell myself, _she’s not yours_.

 

“She’s coming back tomorrow…” I mutter, dropping my gaze. I try to take a step back, but she pulls me close again. _Closer_. Her arm snakes around my waist, holding me against her.

 

Why is it so hard to resist her?

 

“Let’s not think about anything else.” She says, then leans in again.

 

With what she said, I can’t help but think… could it be that… I really am all that matters right now to her? When it’s just the two of us, could it be that she sees only me like I see only her?

 

I give in, close my eyes, rest my arms onto her shoulders. I dance to the rhythm of this kiss even without the assurance of what will happen next. Because if there’s something Tzuyu is teaching me, it is how to live in the moment. How let it seep into me and taste every bit of it. How to own the moment, and in return let the moment own me.

 

I kiss her. But there’s this feeling I’m starting to recognize… the feeling I’m not really used to.

 

_It’s starting to hurt._

 

 

 

* * *

 

**_Hi! I'm sorry it took me a bit longer than usual TT I've been in the I-don't-want-to-move-a-muscle mood lately so... hehe. But I manage to give y'all two chapters! Thank you for waiting <3_ **

C


	7. Chapter 7

I can still barely see a thing as I open the cabinet where I stock my favorite instant coffee. I woke up late today and me harassing myself to finish a whole book just so I could divert my thoughts from Tzuyu and her kiss explains why I ended up sleeping at almost four in the morning.  It didn’t work, though. I hardly understood anything from the book, and when I woke up I felt so excited to see her and as embarrassing as this may sound, I was hoping she’d give me a morning kiss. All those desires faded, though, as soon as I walked past Chaeyoung’s room, the strawberry sticker on her door reminding me of her and injecting a dose of guilt in my veins. I managed to get to kitchen without purposely hitting my head on the wall for my stupidity, and here I am now, making myself a cup of coffee.

 

“Perhaps you could make one for me, too?”

 

I raise my gaze from my ever favorite white cup with tiny and simple hearts decorations to Tzuyu. She’s walking up to me, her charming morning face makes it impossible for me to stay calm as always. And I’m waiting for the day it doesn’t.

 

“You have those hands for a reason, Tzuyu.”

 

She doesn’t respond right away, and I act like it doesn’t bother me. Even though I want to have these silly talks with her, I know it will only make everything even harder for me. The right thing to do is to let her go, to set these feelings free so it can also grant me my freedom from Tzuyu’s enticement.

 

“You’re right,” she says, then she startles me when she pulls me to face her, and startles me even more when she holds my face with both her palms. “I have them for a reason.” She’s looking right at me, and I gather my courage to give her back the same intensity. She doesn’t give me a chance to talk and just closes the gap between us. My eyes flutter close, and I have to hold tight onto the counter just to keep my balance.

 

Just when I’m about to pull back, she seizes my thighs so firmly a whimper slips between my lips. The next thing I know I’m already sitting on the counter.

 

“It’s still too early for this,” I manage as she continues to devour my lips.

 

She must’ve taken it as a hint. My lips are throbbing when she brings the space back between us. I swallow. I stare at her, the look on her face makes my heart sink slowly.

 

“I’m so-“ she attempts, but I cut her off.

 

“God, come here. “

 

This time I’m the one who pulls her in and she doesn’t reject me. Her hands remain on both sides of my waist as I grab her by the back of her neck. We’re like two wasted people who met in some club and thought that hooking up would make everything right in our messed up lives. Maybe that’s us in another universe, but in this one, we’re just two women who find it hard to control our sex drive resulting to us both cheating on my sister.

 

She moves her kisses to my cheeks, then my jawline, the she kisses my ear, her breath hitting my sensitive skin. Her hands roam all over my back, and she soon slips them beneath my shirt, making me shiver. I let out a shaky pant, and she just chuckles at strong her effect on me is.

 

“Good morning, bunbun,” she says, the nickname making me blush. She gives me a pat on the head, then she leaves me there, breathless as always and longing for more.

 

As usual, I spend the next hours in my room. Chaeyoung is coming home today and I’m determined to keep my promise to myself: that I’d treat her outside today for her hardwork. But then I realize, wouldn’t it be better if I prepare the food myself? If there’s something I know about my sister, it’s that she appreciates something more when she knows effort has been put into it. So I browse and look up _“how to cook spicy rice cakes”_ , read some blogs, watch some tutorials, then I get myself ready and go out to buy the ingredients I’m going to need. And this time, I makes sure my wallet is with me.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

I glare at Tzuyu who, by the way, is now blocking the door to keep me from going out.

 

“It’s none of your business.”

 

“Oh, but it is.”

 

I can only let out a “ha!”. Seriously, where does she get the audacity? It really amazes how one second we’re okay, and the next second we’re on some kind of a civil war. The way we’re scowling at each other right now makes it seem like we didn’t kiss this morning.

 

“I’m serious. Tell me where you’re going,” she still insists. And I can see that she is indeed serious.

 

I sigh, defeated. “I’m buying the ingredient I need to cook spicy rice cake. For Chaeng. She’s coming home today.”

 

I don’t look at her and pretend to be interested in whatever is it that’s in my sling bag. When she gives way, I immediately grab the know and open the door. I don’t say another word and just get out of my apartment. I don’t need her pulling me into a kiss again. If I let her, I would probably set aside my task to prepare something for Chaeyoung and just enjoy my remaining minutes with her alone, which would be really selfish and wrong. I’m certain, though, that she told me to take care.

 

The streets are a bit packed today, and I assume it will be this way until New Year because it’s Holiday season. On the way to the store, I receive a message from unregistered number. Intrigued, I stop in one corner just to pay attention to the message.

 

_Hey! Do you think we could hang out tonight? :)_

 

My eyebrows meet, and just when I’m about to ask who they are, the person texts me again.

 

_It’s Jeong, btw._

 

Oh.

 

This is the first time she messaged me after getting my number the other day. I decide to reply before resuming my walk.

 

_jeong! I’m afraid i won’t be free tonight. my sister will be returning home today and i was planning on spending the whole day with her._

 

As I walk again, I think about it. Maybe I can tell her to go to the supermarket with me and maybe we can grab something together. That wat I won’t be returning home sooner, meaning I also won’t have to spend awkward minutes with Tzuyu until my sister’s return.

 

I think about it again. Through and through. In the end I still decide to go for it.

 

I dig my phone from my jacket’s pocket. She’s still not replying.

 

_hey, jeong? i’m free right now tho. do u think u can accompany me at the supermarket?_

 

Jeongyeon says yes, and I’m more than glad to receive it. I wait for her outside the supermarket and I admit, I didn’t expect her to arrive in a whole ass elegant car. I don’t even know what to call it. It’s elegant, sophisticated-looking, and you can already tell that it costs more than my tuition fee for a whole year in College. She’s also in a really bad ass get up—a white shirt with a skull print on it beneath her leather jacket (not the one she wears when their band plays) paired with ripped jeans and boots.

 

“Hey,” I chuckle. Awkwardly. “I said we’d only go buy some tteokbokki crap, not to some underground fight.”

 

She laughs at me and shakes her head. Does she think I’m weird?

 

“Nah, I’ve just got somewhere to go to after this.”

 

“Am I interrupting something?”

 

“No. Don’t worry, I’m needed there at 2 so we still have, uhm… 4 hours to complete your tteokbokki quest,” she says, looking down at her watch. And not this: her watch also looks really pricey.

 

This means one thing: she comes from a wealthy family.

 

“Alright, then.” I smile at her, then we go inside together.

 

At first we’re quiet. I’ve got nothing to say. It’s not that I feel uncomfortable with her around. If I did feel that way, I wouldn’t ask her to be my company. But this is like walking with a long time friend—comfortable even when you two have nothing to talk about. It doesn’t make you anxious that you have nothing to say because you don’t need to talk all the time to keep her entertained.

 

“So… your sister. She’s Tzuyu’s girlfriend?”

 

My heart skips a beat, then I nod. I feel like this is the Universe reminding me that Tzuyu is not mine.

 

“Yep,” is all I can say.

 

“And she lives with you for now?”

 

“Mhmm.”

 

“Well, I told her before that she could live with me since my parents are rarely at home and I feel lonely there by myself. I don’t know why she kept on insisting she lived with you.”

 

I look at her almost immediately, “she did?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh… I think it’s because of Chaeyoung. My sister wants to keep an eye on her.”

 

“I think so, too. How is she as a housemate?”

 

I groan at the question, “She’s _insufferable_ ,” _In a way that I can’t ever resist her,_ I want to add. But some things are better left unsaid.

 

She chuckles, “Oh, why am I not surprised?”

 

“Right? It’s like the only person who can ever tame her is Chaeyoung.”

 

“Wrong. She’s totally behaved when I’m around.”

 

I just nod. Since the first time I saw them together, at John’s, I’ve always sensed that Tzuyu looked up to her. Like a big sister. And she actually respects her.

 

“Yes, I can tell. Do you have siblings, too? I mean, you seem to be great in being the bigger person.”

 

“Nah. I’m an only child. Which is why I treat everyone in the band as my younger sisters. I long for the feeling of having younger ones around me.”

 

“Oh, well, that makes sense, too.”

 

“Yeah. I mean, it must be nice having someone to tell your secrets to and tell stories about your lovelife and do all those silly things with. Practically your bestfriend. _And_ it’s also easy to bribe them to do something for you.”

 

I laugh at that, and as I listen to her, I can’t help my own thoughts from drifting to Chaeyoung. My sister. And Jeongyeon is right, she’s also my bestfriend. And I’m also comfortable sharing my secrets with her, except _that_ one thing.

 

“You’re absolutely right.”

 

When we are done and just need to fall in line at the cashier, Jeongyeon receives a call from someone who seems to be important. She uses polite words when talking to them, and it’s obvious that she respects the person. When she hangs up, she quickly tells me that she has to go because the time for the meeting (I don’t know what meeting it is she’s talking about) has been moved and is starting in less than an hour. I tell her it’s okay, and mentally I say _I guess no lunch, then._

 

Chaeyoung is back when I return home. She’s there. On the couch, in Tzuyu’s arms, snuggled up against the taller. I feel something slowly churning in my tummy, a couple of daggers being drove straight to my chest and keeping me from breathing. I don’t like it. I don’t like seeing them together.

 

They immediately acknowledge my presence, and I force a smile as my sister comes running up to me with a gesture that says she’s been waiting so long to hug me, so I embrace her.

 

“Unnie!” She exclaims, all excited about seeing me again after a week of just texts and calls.

 

I feel guilty. I mean, of course I’m happy that she’s home, but _that_ feeling when I saw her with Tzuyu… it prevails. I don’t even think I can last another second in this hug, so I pull away first. My smile is still on. I sure do hope Chaeyoung doesn’t notice I’m trying too hard.

 

“Have you been home long?” I ask her. Tzuyu in my peripheral vision makes it hard for me to focus on my sister.

 

“Not really, unnie,” she answers.

 

I struggle to find any more words to say. I must say this is the first time I ran out of words in front of my sister because I always, _always_ tell her everything, down to the littlest details. But now I can’t even look her in the eyes.

 

“Where did you go? I was so excited to see you.”

 

“I just… bought you your favorite spicy rice cakes. Because you’ve worked hard last week, I figured it’s just right that I prepared something for you.”

 

She hugs me again. “Thank you! You are the best, did you know that?” She giggles as she goes back to the couch, clinging yet again to Tzuyu. I feel my blood boiling again. I decide it’s because I feel like they’re rubbing in my face that I’m single, that I don’t have someone special to cling to.

 

_Oh, but you do have someone special. She’s just not yours._

 

I blink the stupid thoughts away. They’re not helping.

 

“I’m gonna go take care of this,” I excuse myself. and proceed right to the kitchen.

 

I heave a deep breath as I rest the bag on the counter. It was extremely uncomfortable to see them together like that. And I know it’s not because they make me feel old and alone. It’s _that_ feeling. I hate it so much I can’t even say what it is.

 

Instead of thinking more about it I just begin cooking. With so much passion and determination, I must say. As if this isn’t some kind of instant good that only needs to be heated and stirred.

 

“So,” Chaeyoung, now leaning on the counter (and I have no idea when and how she got here), shoots me a playful look. I pretend not to notice it. I know why she’s here. Not to help, but to ask how it was with Tzuyu. “How was it with Tzuyu?”

 

I poke the sides of my cheeks with my tongue. Sometimes I really hate it when I guess things right.

 

“It’s… it was… okay…”

 

She laughs. And I would, too. I knew I’d sound unconvincing, anyway, so why did I even try to lie? I sounded so awkward, so obvious that I’m just trying to dodge this conversation.

 

“Come on, unnie. Tell me how it really went,” she still presses on.

 

“I’m going to admit… it’s half okay, half not,” I say and put the lid on the pan harshly before turning to Chaeyoung.

 

I want to say more, make it seem like I still hate Tzuyu with all my guts. Because it will look less suspicious that way. But I find myself at loss for words, and I don’t dare open my mouth because I’m afraid I’ll end up saying “she’s a good kisser”.

 

“And you also have to admit that she’s not as bad as you thought she was.”

 

I take a deep breath so she’ll think that I’m so done with this.

 

“I don’t know, Chaeng. She’s pretty consistent in being a pain in the ass,” I say, which is true.

 

She chuckles. Now she’s the one taking care of the food instead of me. I’m too absorbed in my own thoughts. How will I act like I still hate Tzuyu when all I really want right now is to feel her on me? This is so frustrating.

 

“Now let’s talk about you. How were you the past week? How did the project go?” I ask to shift topics.

 

Chaeyoung suddenly chokes, shocked by my question. I don’t have much time to wonder why and what I could have possibly said wrong because I immediately rush to get her a glass of water. I give it to her along with a few pats on her back.

 

“Hey… you okay?”

 

“Yes- yes, unnie,” she says. Then she fakes a cough and composes herself. “It was… uh… great. We finished the painting early so… uh… we got to- uh- spend more fun time.”

 

My brows form a wrinkle. I’m not quite convinced. She uses too much “uh”; she‘s keeping something from me. I look at her dead in the eye.

 

“Im Chaeyoung, tell me what really happened.” I purposely make my voice sound firmer and my tone uptight.

 

She doesn’t speak immediately, just turns away to get a plate and ladle. When she gets back she keeps her silence for a little more while. She’s probably thinking of a way to tell me without me getting mad. But I won’t. I will never get mad at her.

 

“Okay… promise me you won’t overreact.” She looks at me and she’s actually scared that I might throw plates once I’ve heard what she’s going to say.

 

“I promise,” I assure her in a gentler tone now.

 

“Alright. Well. We had a few bottles the other night,” she tells me, and I know by ‘bottles’ she meant alcoholic drinks.

 

I just stare at her, not blinking. I suck in my lips. How do I respond? I mean, I knew at some point that time would come and she’d be old enough for those kind of things. But actually hearing it from her has a different impact.

 

“I think... that’s fine.”

 

She looks at me as if she can’t believe I let it pass just like that. “Really?”

 

“Mhm,” I smile at her. “You’re no longer a child.”

 

She finally cracks a smile, too, and her tensed body lets go. I can sense her relief and it makes me giggle how my sister is actually afraid of me.

 

“But Chaeng, being old enough also means knowing your limits. And I trust you.” I add, pointing at her. It’s more like reminding her not to break it. I feel like a hypocrite—no, I _am_ a hypocrite. How could I make my sister promise to not break my trust when I’ve already broken hers?

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

 

She has now put a fair amount of the spicy ricecakes on her plate. She goes to get more plates, with spoons now, then takes a bite of the dish.

 

“Hm… this is good. You put cheese in it?” I nod at her question. “Come try it, too, unnie.” She gives me my own spoon, then I do as she says.

 

She’s not wrong. It does taste good. I want more, so I take the ladle to get my own plate of the ricecakes.

 

“So, unnie, it’s five days before Christmas… and we still don’t have any decorations on. Not even a single Christmas light.” Now, she’s talking like she’s the bigger sister. Her hands are on her hips, and she’s looking at me as if asking what did I only do while she was gone.

 

“Look, it’s just- I wasn’t gonna start decorating without you,” I say, my voice sounding unintentionally soft. It’s the truth. We always do it together, and this year won’t be an exception just because she had some project to do.

 

“Alright. I’m touched.”

 

I laugh as I whine, “I’m serious! I don’t want to hang them without you.”

 

“I know you are serious. But today we’re going to do it, okay?”

 

I smile and nod. After that little talk, we prepare the food and bring it to the living room so Tzuyu can have her bite, too. Sometimes it really seems like this is Tzuyu’s home and we’re the ones asking the favor to let us stay. The only thing she does aside from ruining my perfect life is washing the dishes.

 

We eat there—I silently, while they keep on teasing each other.

 

“Naaah, you didn’t!”Tzuyu is chuckling as she shakes her head. Chaeyouing just told us—told her—about how she had a drink with her groupmates.

 

“But I did!”

 

“You’re still a kid.”

 

“I’m no longer a kid. Even Nayeon unnie told me that. Right, unnie?”

 

Chaeyoung turns to me, trying to gain me on her team. A smile automatically pplays on my lips then I nod. Tzuyu is looking at me, too, but I don’t dare batting my eyes on her even for a single second.

 

“Something bad could have happened to you.” Tzuyu suddenly sounds serious. She’s concerned.

 

“Tzu, they’re my friends. They’ll never let that happen.”

 

“Friends? Jingoo was there then, huh?”

 

“He was.”

 

Tzuyu doesn’t really answer after that, but her sudden silence already says a lot and adds up to the already heavy atmosphere, the atmosphere that’s supposed to only exist between them because it’s their thing, but even I get suffocated. I just shift my gaze from Chaeng to Tzuyu to Chaeng again. I know what this means. Tzuyu feels _that_ feeling I refuse to speak of, the one I also feel right now, seeing them like this.

 

“Tzu, there’s literally nothing to be-“

 

“ _Jealous_ about, I know,” Tzuyu continues Chaeyoung’s sentence as if she’s had enough of hearing it. “But it’s obvious he likes you.”

 

“He’s got a whole girlfriend sitting next to you in one of your class.”

 

“Physical Chem.”

 

“Right, Physical Chem. Now tell me why you still think that way because I literally have no idea. This is the side of you that I don’t like dealing with.”

 

“You never liked any of my negative sides, Chaeyoung.”

 

“It’s not that I don’t like them, I’m just trying to help you be a better person!”

 

“Well, this is the best of me already, so stop with that trying-to-change-you crap because it won’t work!”

 

They’re starting to raise their voices, it’s like I’m not here listening and watching them. I admit I am surprised that this is how they argue, too much throwing of hands, and they look at each other as if they weren’t just cuddling when I went back from the market. It’s starting to _scare_ me. I’ve never seen a couple fight up close. Not even my parents. So to escape this whole disturbing situation, I get up to steal their attentions.

 

“I’m… uh… I’m going to get the decors so we can start decorating. You two try to settle this… quietly, and calmly,” I ask of them.

 

I don’t wait for them to say anything. As much as I knew Chaeyoung probably needed a backup, I understand what Tzuyu was trying to make her understand, too. Plus, I would never _ever_ meddle in something that’s not my business unless it really gets out of hand already.

 

I do what I told them I would do; I opened the mini-cabinets under the counter. This is where we keep the decors in boxes, and other things, too, since we don’t have stock room here. They’re labelled so it’s really not that hard to recognize which box I should take. Chaeyoung appears behind me after a few minutes. I don’t say anything, just let her help me bring the boxes to the living room. Tzuyu isn’t here, and though I wonder where she is, I don’t want to ask.

 

I nearly jump when Chaeyoung drops a box to the floor, making this loud thud that doesn’t fail to startle me.

 

“God, it’s so annoying.” Chaeyoung grunts out of irritation. Her face is crumpled as she violently rips off the tape that’s sealing the box. “Unnie, you should’ve been on my team, but you left instead,” she tells me, pouting while now taking the decorations out of the box.

 

I chuckle at her and shake my head, “it’s your matter, not mine. I thought it’d be impolite if I interfered.”

 

 “But still…” She stops and slouches, then she sighs deeply. “I mean, I’m not wrong, right? I have the right to be upset…” She looks at me as if trying to earn my nod and approval.

 

I go over her side. “You do have a point, and I understand what you feel. But I also understand that she’s…” I take a pause. I’m about to say the word I’ve been dreading to say all this, but here it goes. “She’s _jealous_ … because she cares and she’s afraid someone else might steal your attention.

 

“She’s jealous because she doesn’t trust me.”

 

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes. I feel extremely awkward. What am I doing, helping Chaeyoung patch up with her girlfriend whom I was just making out with hours ago.

 

“Please say something…” She almost pleads in a faint voice.

 

“Well…” I hesitate. “She’s still growing, but you can’t force her to finish the process overnight, can you? I’m not saying you should tolerate her. I’m saying you let her take her time, allow her to make mistakes and learn from them, and just be by her side while she’s at it. Be her number one believer and not a duplicate of her nagging mom,” I try to joke, and fortunately, she laughs. Then I continue, “sometimes being too hard on people don’t help. Make her feel that you believe she can be better, that way she’ll believe in herself, too.”

 

She is silent for a couple of seconds, and I know she’s just trying to reflect on what I just said, on what happened, and it’s okay. I’ll give her as much time as she needs.

 

“Fine,” she finally says, sounding defeated. I know it’s her pride talking, and I want to tell her that no, it’s not supposed to feel that way. This isn’t some game of who will say sorry first, but I keep it to myself. “But unnie, please talk to her, too.”

 

With that, Chaeyoung decides to leave me. She heads back to the kitchen to get more boxes, and probably so I can no longer say no. I look at the door. Tzuyu is probably out at the balcony, trying to cool her temper down with the touch of winter and Christmas atmosphere. My gaze drops to the floor, knowing I have no other choice.

 

I guessed right; Tzuyu really is here, leaning forward against the balcony. I just stand next to her quietly, I repeat to myself mentally that I’m doing this for Chaeyoung. Not for Tzuyu, not for me. For my sister alone.

 

It’s almost six in the evening and the moon is starting to become more visible.  Her eyes are fixated on the dim sky, and here I am, wondering what she’s thinking of at the moment.

 

“If you’re here to scold me, save it. I know it’s me being childish again,” she says, the bitterness lingers in her voice, like a child who’s full of her ego and it’s hard for her to accept that sometimes she can be clumsy and break her mother’s favorite vase.

 

I let out a short chuckle; it’s adorable— _she’s_ adorable.

 

“I’m not here to scold you. I’m here to say it’s okay, and I understand.” I tell her.

 

She looks at me, catches my gaze, and my heart softens. _Don’t, Nayeon. Don’t let your guard down._

 

It takes all of me to look away from her. When I finally do, she asks me, “have you ever felt jealous, Nayeon? Like… romantically… jealous?”

 

I admit I’m taken aback by her question that I can’t bring myself to answer right away. My tongue finds itself knotted and I can’t find a way to disentangle it.

 

I feel her heavy stare at me again, like her eyes are about to devour me, but despite that, I still don’t answer.

 

_Think of something, Nayeon. Anything!_

 

“Yes. Yes, of course,” I say, almost stuttering. _If you only knew_ , I wanted so much to add.

 

“So you understand that… _I wish you were with me instead of someone else_ kind of feeling?”

 

“Yeah, but mine’s more like… _I wish you were mine and not someone else’s_.”

 

I mentally slap myself when I realize what just got out of my mouth.

 

“Woah. That’s pretty deep.”

 

“Mhm. You should consider yourself lucky because at least, Chaeyoung is yours, and you have the right to get jealous. Me… I can only wish I had that, too.” I turn to her and extended the thing I’ve had in my hand for a few minutes now towards her to keep her from asking more questions. “Here, take this.”

 

She looks at it, puzzled. “A mistletoe?”

 

“Obviously, duh.”

 

“Where did you even get that?”

 

“I don’t know. I think Chaeyoung and bought it for fun last Christmas, or last, last Christmas- enough with that. Just take this, go back inside and make up with her. You’re lucky she’s yours.” I force a smile. For a split second, I can finally look at her face. Just for a split second. Because I feel like I’ll break down if I look at her for too long.

 

When she takes the mistletoe from me and does as I say without any more questions, I can only grab really tight onto the railing. A few seconds after, I close my eyes, and I know they’re probably liplocking by now. I chew on my bottom lip, hard, so I can feel it hurting instead of the stupid thing that’s beating beneath my ribcage.


	8. Chapter 8

I don’t head back inside too soon. I can’t. Not only because I can’t watch them being all mushy and soft towards each other, making out while making up, but also because I know they probably need private time together to talk. I just try to distract myself and think of bigger problems like my thesis, and the fact that it’s five days before Christmas and I still haven’t bought anything to give my family.

 

Those are bigger problems than falling for your sister’s girlfriend, right? Or at least I’d like to think they are.

 

God, I wish Jisoo was here to hang out with me. She’s the only person I can tell about this without getting the feeling that I’m being judged, because Jisoo is the type of person who knows how to see things in other people’s perspective. Yes, she’s amazing like that. I suddenly miss her.

 

After a moment, I decide to shoot her a message.

 

_soo! i’m not saying I miss u bc that’d be disgusting, but that’s exactly what i want to say. i hope ur having fun there! <3_

 

I actually wanted to say _‘and I also hope you’re finally moving on from your soon-to-be ex shitty girlfriend’_ , but she might not talk to me ever again if I did.

 

After spending a whole ass 15 minutes at the balcony, I finally find the mood to go back inside. We begin to build the Christmas tree, Chaeyoung and I, while Tzuyu gets assigned to hang the other decors on the walls. There are lots of giggles between Chaeyoung and I, though I don’t bother asking her about what happened earlier—how they settled the fight and if Tzuyu really did kiss her. I just don’t want to know.

 

“Chaeng, stop- you can’t.” I tell Chaeyoung, chuckling between my words, as I watch her try her best on her tippy toes to put the star on top of the tree.

 

She finally stops with a huff. She’s thinking. Probably of how she can put it on top.

 

“Tzuyu!” She calls, and the called girl immediately responds.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Come here.”

 

When Tzuyu comes up to us, I take it as a sign that I should take a few steps away from them. So I just decide to take care of the decors that Tzuyu has abandoned. I still hear them talking, though.

 

“Help me put this up there.”

 

“Sure. Give me that-“

 

“No. _I_ will be the one doing it.”

 

“Why am I here, then?”

 

“You have to let me stand on your back for a while so I can-“

 

“You’re kidding, right?”

 

“No.”

 

“There’s no way I’m letting you use me as a prop.”

 

“But _you will_ , nonetheless.”

 

Tzuyu chuckles. I just rummage through the box, not knowing what exactly it is I’m looking for.

 

“Alright, come here.”

 

The next thing I hear is Chaeyoung’s scream, and I automatically turn around only to see Tzuyu carrying Chaeyoung on her back. As soon as I see them that way, I wish I was blind for a second.

 

They still struggle to put the star up on the tree because they can’t stop giggling and Tzuyu is staggering. I focus on the decors again. I’ll just put these Christmas lights on.

 

*

 

It’s two days after Chaeyoung got back home and Tzuyu and I are back to not knowing each other, or at least acting like it. No more make outs, not even those intense eye contacts are shared between us again, or another decent conversation. Three weeks ago we were strangers. Last week was a rollercoaster ride of emotions with her, and this week we’re strangers again.

 

It hurts. Of course it does. There’s this tiny ball of yearning inside me that continues to grow bigger and bigger each time I look at her. I ache so much it isn’t only my heart that is getting stabbed; I feel my throat tightening to the flashbacks that haunt me persistently, and when I steal a glance, _I want to kiss her_ will be the first thing to cross my mind, the butterflies in my stomach will behave in a way as if they’re out of the cage for the first time, then I will see Chaeyoung next to Tzuyu, and my throat will tighten again.

 

Jeongyeon and I keep communicating through text, but that’s it. We greet each other goodmorning and bid goodnight, ask each other what we are doing at the moment or what our plans for the day are. We haven’t talked about my promised diner her promised taking me to her parent’s coffee shop. I think she’s forgotten about it. And it’s not that I’m disappointed, but I’d really love to get out of this apartment for a while. I was thinking of asking Momo out again, but she might think I only remember her when I’m bored.

 

So when I run out of people to ask out, I decide to just go out by myself. It’s me time. I don’t need anyone else with me. This is good, I can contemplate and think about my life choices carefully while I take a walk around the city. With my fucked up situation right now, I obviously need it.

 

I smile at my reflection as I stand straight in front of my human-sized mirror—it is time to focus on _me_ , like how I always did before Tzuyu came into my life. It was just a fling that lasted a week, so after this week, it will be like nothing ever happened to us and we all can go on to live our normal lives.

 

There is a knock on my door, and when I turn around, it’s already opened. Chaeyoung slid herself in through the small space the open door offers her.

 

“Going somewhere, unnie?” She asks then sits on my bed.

 

“Mhm,” I hum as an answer, nodding while I apply a bit of tint on my chapped pair of lips.

 

“Can we talk for a bit?”

 

She sounded sad which immediately catches my attention. I turn to her and sit beside her.

 

“What’s the matter?”

 

“I just wanted to make sure we’re cool…”

 

My brows furrow and she must’ve sensed my confusion so she continues, “lately, you haven’t been talking to me, and I’m afraid it’s still about me asking you to let Tzuyu stay here—I know you’re uncomfortable with her here.”

 

My face stretches out itself, my tensed expression fading off. I put a hand on hers to assure her.

 

“No. It’s not a big deal anymore. The reason I don’t talk to you much lately is because I… am busy with the thesis,” I pause for a while. Lies. Lies. Lies. “And I know you love spending time with your girlfriend.”

 

“Yes, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with you.”

 

I smile at her when an idea is formed in my head. “Well, would you like to have a walk around the city with me?”

 

I knew she wouldn’t be able to say no, not only because I’m the elder one, but also because she obviously wants an alone time with me, too. So I wait for her as she gets ready. Tzuyu is nowhere to be found (again) and I’m guessing she’s in the bar, or _maybe_ she’s gone to their house secretly again, checking on her family. I know she does that. She sneaks out once in a while and I understand the longing part, what I don’t understand is why she doesn’t want us to know. Why does she prefer to have people thinking that she doesn’t care? She doesn’t even earn anything good from it.

 

Chaeyoung and I go around the city as planned, walking while chitchatting. My sister and I have this bond that I just can’t find with any other people. Not even with Jisoo. And this bond is something that I won’t ever trade for anything else, not even for love.

 

I make funny faces that I just know will send cringe all over her body and she hits me everytime while laughing.

 

“You know this is why sometimes I don’t want other people to know that you’re my sister,” she tells me jokingly.

 

“I don’t get it- if anything, you should be _proud_ and _grateful_ that I am your sister,” I tell her while posing exaggeratedly like those American models do. I don’t care if some people are looking at us. I’ve missed my sister and making her laugh.

 

“You’re a whole ass embarrassment. Please stop.” She grabs my arm when I attempt to do the constipated pose.

 

I laugh the whole time while she drags me somewhere—it’s a store selling fluffy stuffed toys and other adorable tiny items, like hairdresses, hair pins, necklaces with animal pendants that elementary students think are a trend.

 

I notice Chaeyoung hovering around the animal hats. Soon, she picks up the one with the tiger stripes and tiger ears, then she puts it on. There’s a mirror near her, she checks how it looks on her and I smile at the sight.

 

“I’m getting this one.”

 

I shrug. “No problem, as long as you pay for it.”

 

“And you’re getting this.”

 

My eyes widen a bit when I see her walking towards me, holding a bunny hat.

 

“No- no, Chaeyoung. I’m not wearing this,” I refuse, stepping back.

 

“Yes, you are!” She exclaims excitedly.

 

She’s put the hat on me. And seeing as she’s really excited about this, I guess I have no other choice. Chaeyoung says she’ll be the one paying for them, but in return, I have to be the one lining up at the cashier. I don’t complain. Before I go and squeeze into the long line, I spot a fox hat that immediately reminds me of her for some reason. I end up grabbing it and purchasing it behind my sister’s back, but of course I spend my own money on it.

 

Can you believe, 22 years old Im Nayeon is walking around with a stupid bunny hat hat on? While I’m dying to hide my face just in case I bump into someone from the University who knows me, Chaeyoung, on the other hand, seems to be enjoying it. I just giggle; it’s not like it’s a big of a deal. It’s silly but we can only do this once in a while. We’re growing up, and with that, responsibilities are brought upon us by adulthood. So something silly like this is fine.

 

We go to the mall next and we don’t really buy anything. We just look at the items they sell here and say our own opinions about them. We always do this. Chaeyoung and I would also mimic the mannequins around and laugh at ourselves. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed her. And for a whole hour and a half, I actually forget that I have confusing feelings for her girlfriend. I only get reminded of it again when I see a drumset in an instrument shop labelled “LYRIC”.

 

Like the dumb ass that I am, I stand in front of the shop and stare at the set. I remember how she played that night, so passionate. It makes my heart flutter. I remember what happened after that, our tiny argument that led to me going home earlier than planned. Then I remember when we made up at home, how she kissed me, how her hands roamed all over my body. I remember the scar on her chest and that I pressed a soft kiss on it as we talked in our tired voices. And I remember the next morning, when I woke up and her back was facing me as if we didn’t sleep snuggled in each other’s arms the night before. I remember it all. Because deep down I know I did all that with a tiny spark inside me that has now been fuelled and turned into a fierce blaze by those stolen kisses and warm touches.

 

The memory is carved in my head; the feeling is carved in my heart. It is _so_ hard to let that go, to think that nothing can and will happen again after that. But when I look at my sister I know it has to end, that I have to get over all of it.

 

“Unnie!”

 

I blink hard upon Chaeyoung’s calling me. She snaps her fingers right in my face, looking at me.

 

“Y-yes?”

 

“I asked if you wanted to buy something here.”

 

I look around—oh, I’m already _in_ the instrument shop, and my hand is actually _on_ one of the drums.

 

“Do you fancy this?” She asks, pertaining to the drums.

 

I shake my head. “No. No, sorry.” I chuckle, unfortunately it sounds awkward.

 

Chaeyoung crosses her arms on her chest, puts her weight in one hip, and raises an eyebrow at me.

 

“You’re distracted. What is it?”

 

 _It’s your girlfriend._ “What? I’m so _not_ distracted.  I’m just fascinated.”

 

“With the drums?”

 

_With a certain drum player._

 

I just laugh and shake my head again, then I hop towards her and cling to her arm. “Fine, I was daydreaming.”

 

“About?”

 

“About… our thesis.”

 

“Daydreaming about thesis?!” She exclaims, sounding even more confused.

 

I’m so dumb, I quit.

 

“So where do we go next?” I ask to change subjects.

 

Fortunately, she doesn’t press more on about it and says, “I want a cotton candy.”

 

And we wind up to a cotton candy stall. It’s adorable as it comes in different shapes and colors. Chaeyoung chooses the flower while I decide to have the star.

 

“Unnie, It’s okay. I got this.” She stops me when I am about to dig my wallet from my pocket, then she gets her own money and gives it to the cotton candy lady.

 

I smile at her and thank her with a subtle nudge on her shoulder. Inside I feel guilty. When I look at my sister, I think to myself, how could I do such terrible thing to her? Making out with her girlfriend and even sleeping with her, and worst, having these unexplainable feelings for her.

 

Chaeyoung also tells me that lunch will be her treat, and I object of course, but then she says it’s her way of making up to the past week that she wasn’t home, leaving me alone with the Satan incarnate, and since her tone sounds final, I see no point in arguing. Normally, I wouldn’t object in the first place, I love it when I get to eat without spending a penny, but because of the churning guilt in the pit of my stomach… it’s just hard to see Chaeyoung do all these for me after what I’ve done behind her back.

 

We grab our lunch in a BBQ restaurant, and I don’t have much to say about the food. I’m not really hungry to begin with. As we eat, Chaeyoung tells me stories and I really try my hardest to focus on her at least a bit. I take my mind off of things to listen to my sister. I miss her, I do, but there’s this feeling that prevails above missing her. This feeling is everything that runs through my veins now.

 

When we return home, I go straight to my room and make my tiredness as my excuse to sleep the rest of the day away. I don’t tell them that my detestation of seeing them together is partly why I want to lock myself up in my room.

 

I don’t eat dinner with them tonight. When it’s all silent that you can probably hear the sound of needle dropping, that’s when I go out of my room slash dungeon and heat whatever it is that my hand grabs from the fridge.

 

*

 

I spend the next day outside again, choosing presents for my parents and loved ones in general. Tzuyu and I haven’t shared more than twenty words for the past three days since Chaeyoung came home. I think she’s starting to realize it was wrong, everything we did behind Chaeyoung’s back was a mistake. Objectively speaking,I think it’s a good thing. It’ll be easier to ignore her when she doesn’t just suddenly pull me and kiss me and press her body on mine. But deep down, it hurts. Because I want her. All the time. And it’s making me crazy how she’s practically in front of me, within reach but can’t be touched.

 

“Nayeon. Hey.”

 

I blink hard as I shake my head subtly, Rosie’s voice bringing me back to where I actually am. On the street. Cars passing us by and us passing them by as we walk down the road. Suddenly the noises are no longer blocked, my senses are functioning.

 

Have I mentioned I’m out with Rosie? We bumped into each other at a milktea shop minutes ago.

 

_“Nayeon? What are you doing here?”_

_“Uh… grabbing milktea…?”_

_“No, I mean, what are you doing outside?”_

_“Oh- I’m out to buy presents for my family and friends. You know, what’s a good Christmas without gifts?”_

_“Right. Well, since I have nothing to do today, do you mind if I tag along?”_

 

I didn’t see why not, so I let her. And the thing I’ve learned the whole time I’m with her? Nothing. Because I’m not paying attention.

 

“Hey…” I let out an awkward chuckle, “I’m sorry. I was just…” I pause—I don’t know how to say it. “I don’t know why my thoughts have been everywhere lately.”

 

She smiles at me, that comforting smile as if saying she knows how it feels. “Yeah, I can tell.”

 

“I don’t know how to deal with this,” I admit.

 

“You’ll figure it out. Usually when I’m in that kind of situation, I go out to see the bigger picture; the world. There’s still a lot more to do than think of… whatever that is you’re overthinking.”

 

The pace of our stride has become slower, I take it as a sign that we’re really engaged in the conversation.

 

“Another problem is… I don’t know how to do that. I only know the world through books. But I ‘ve never actually seen it.”

 

“Hm… well, we can go on a roadtrip sometimes. Or even canoeing!”

 

“ _Canoeing_?”

 

What even is that? I can’t believe Rosie is making up words.

 

“Yeah, you know when you’re in this narrow boat and you just……… paddle.”

 

I try to imagine what she’s trying to say, and after I while I think, maybe Rosie isn’t making up this word.

 

“Ohh, so that’s canoeing,” I say, more to myself than to her, while nodding. I literally didn’t know that the word ‘canoeing’ existed until now.

 

She giggles like she can’t believe I’m this dumb but still thinks it’s cute. “Yeah. My uncle owns this big ass resort where we can do that. But it’s a long way from here.”

 

“Well, that’s better! We can go on a roadtrip, then we go canoeing after.”

 

“You’re right. That’s smart. I’ll let the band know so they can join, too,” she says, and suddenly she has her phone in her hands. I barely see her get it from her pocket.

 

I can’t respond after that. She’s letting the band know? That means she’s letting Tzuyu know. Then- oh my god-

 

“R-Rosie… if your band is going… I’m giving it a pass.”

 

“What? Why? It’s gonna be fun!”

 

“I… uh…” Of all times I could run out of excuses, it had to be today!

 

“Look, Nayeon, you’re not different from us, and we won’t leave you out just because you’re not a member. In fact, you can bring Chaeyoung with you, too, just so you’ll feel comfortable.”

 

I smile. I’lll be running away with the two people I want to run away from. Great. It’s really a good idea. I think this trip will be effective and good for my mental health.

 

I shut my eyes tight. God, I’m not a religious person, but I come to You as Your child, I hope it’s in Your will that Tzuyu says no to this trip. Thank You.

 

“What will you buy for your mom?”

 

“She likes mugs, so I guess I’ll just go for a mug. Like, a personalized one, you know.”

 

“Alright, I know a shop.”

 

“Seems like you know everyone and everything.” I joke.

 

“Of course. That’s what being a business man’s daughter does.”

 

I chuckle. It’s good that she can joke around. Honestly, my first impression of her was that she’s too sophisticated to have a little fun.

 

“Thanks. But by personalized I meant… like, _really_ personalized. I’ll buy a plain mug and Chaeyoung and I will decorate it.”

 

“Oh, I see. That’s a great idea, and it will be a heartwarming present.”

 

“Thank you. I don’t know why I only thought of it now, I mean, there’s this transparent closet at home in province where my mom displays all her mugs in. Like, she doesn’t use them, she just puts them there because she thinks it’s aesthetic or something. I’ve known about this obsession of hers since I was little, but this is the first time I thought of giving her a mug for a present.”

 

She smiles as she listens to me, and she tells me that my mom’s mug obsession is _adorable_. And I’m like… how… how is that adorable…

 

But then again people are different in so many ways, so I refuse to say that it’s weird.

 

We buy everything I need, and I think she does buy some things for her loved ones, too. She even asks me what Jisoo would love to receive. I give her a teasing grin which she doesn’t really mind, but I see her blush. I tell her Jisoo likes to read, too, and she’s recently addicted to manga. She only nods and thanks me for the information after.

 

Rosie and I decide to try some mini-rides at the mini-amusement park. I can say she’s fun to be with. Somehow Jisoo’s opposite, because Jisoo acts like a kid most of the time and I mostly am the mother who has to tame her tantrums. But with Rosie, I become the kid and she’s the mom.

 

I get home around 8 and ignore Chaeyoung and Tzuyu in the couch, watching movie on Tzuyu’s phone. I greet Chaeyoung, but that’s it, though I can feel Tzuyu’s eyes following me as I enter my room. The next time I go outside is the next morning.

 

December 24th has always been busier than Christmas day itself, or at least for me it is. As the older sister, I take initiative in preparing everything. I take out sophisticated-looking utensils out of their dusty boxes, wash them and make sure they’re good to use tomorrow. We always spend our Christmas as a complete family—whether we go home to province, or mom and dad give us a visit here in the city and stay for a couple of days. They can’t leave our business there for too long. Tomorrow, they’ll be the ones traveling from province to city. They’ll probably stay, 5 days tops, and I have to make sure our apartment looks presentable or mom will spend most of her time here nagging at us instead of enjoying the Christmas season.

 

Chayoung does some things, too, of course, like dusting off our appliances and make our apartment smell like a whole ass garden.

 

As for Tzuyu… I don’t know what her plans are considering we don’t really talk anymore.

 

I’m putting on some light make up right now. I’m going to the supermarket and buy everything I’m going to need for Christmas eve. I’m thinking maybe I can get a smoked ham and maybe a roasted chicken.

 

“You’re always going out these days.”

 

Tzuyu startles me. _Speak of the devil_. I ignore her, but soon, I can already see her reflection in my human-sized mirror. She’s entered my room and I curse at myself for always forgetting to lock the door.

 

I don’t respond, I have nothing to say. As much as I love staring at her beautiful, perfectly sculpted face, I need her to back off for a little more time. Just a few more days, and I’ll be able to look at her without running out of air.

 

It’s silent for a few seconds. A _few_ seconds but it feels like eternity. I can’t deny the fast beating of my heart. She’s getting closer to me; she’ll see my hands slightly trembling. It takes everything in me to maintain my composure, because she can’t know that I haven’t moved on completely. Heck, she shouldn’t even know I have feelings to move on from in the first place.

 

“Listen, about last week… when Chaeyoung wasn’t here… I just wanted to say-“

 

“It was a mistake,” I blurt out. I’d rather say it myself than hear it from her. It would hurt so much more had the latter happened instead.

 

I grab my sling bag, shove my lipstick in there, and walk past her. I reach the door, and because I’m used to it, I reach for the knob and am about to close it until I realize Tzuyu’s inside.

 

“Also, Tzuyu, it’s not right to take advantage of an unguarded door and suddenly just barge in,” I tell her without facing her. I don’t want to see her reaction. “Please close it when you leave.”


	9. Chapter 9

As I wander absentmindedly along the sections, I’m brought back to reality by a phone call.

 

It’s Jeong.

 

“Hey, what’s up?” I greet her, smiling. It’s only been three days since our last phone call, but it’s like we haven’t talked for months.

 

We do text everyday, but phone calls feel different. This way I can hear her voice, I can hear her tone. It feels more… intimate.

 

“Oh, something big is up, Nayeonie,” I smile even wider at the nickname she’s given me. “I called to tell you about this gig we have tonight at John’s. It’s kind of a real thing. We’re performing more than three songs and some people from a record company will be watching… so… uh… I was hoping to see you there…?”

 

I gasp at what I heard. “A record company?! That’s indeed pretty big! Of course I’ll be there!”

 

I store all the fresh foods in the fridge quickly when I get home, then I do some retouching and go straight to John’s. I saw no Chaeyoung and Tzuyu, but I figured they’re probably already at the bar.

 

When I get to John’s, there’s still a bare amount of people. And it’s understandable seeing as it’s only quarter to six. I sit on the stool where I sat last time I was here and order the same mild drink I probably will just ignore again. The bartender smiles at me in a friendly way, as if saying he’s seen me numerous times here.

 

“I’m guessing it’s the band,” he says then glances up at me, his piercing eyes are the first things that I notice about him.

 

My ears perk up. I lean forward to hear him better because his voice got drowned out by the loud blasting of music in this place.

 

“I mean, you’re only here when Strawberry Jams play.”

 

“Oh…”

 

“Are you friends with them?”

 

“Yeah… kinda.”

 

He gives me a confused look.

 

“My sister is- is the dummer’s girlfriend,” I stutter, it almost didn’t want to roll off my tongue. I just grab my glass and take a sip; I guess you won’t be ignored tonight after all, little mild drink.

 

“Really? Tzuyu? Wow. I thought _you_ were the girlfriend.”

 

I almost choke on my drink. He quickly reacts and lends me some tissues he gets under the counter. I accept it and wipe my mouth as I think of what to say.

 

“I’m sorry. Did I say something you didn’t like…?”

 

“Not really. It’s just- why would you think I was _the_ girlfriend? That’s just… inconceivable.”

 

“I saw you guys last time and I always thought your chemistry was beyond compare. But I understand; she’s your sister’s girlfriend and it’s not nice of me to say that.”

 

I wave my hand as I give him a smile, “it’s okay!”

 

“I’m Wonwoo,” he tells me, making a pause with whatever it is he’s doing to look at me.

 

“I’m Na-“

 

“Not interested,” the familiar voice behind me says. “She’s not interested.”

 

I turn my head, looking past my shoulder, and there’s Tzuyu, standing tall behind me. Her hand is in the back pocket of her pants, the other makes an attempt to grab me. Luckily, I’m fast enough to not let her touch me.

 

“I’m Nayeon,” I tell Wonwoo then I smile at him apologetically. “If you’ll excuse me, I just have to take care of some kid.”

 

He nods and I take off from my seat. I walk up to Tzuyu, her expression is distorted.

 

“What’s your problem?”I ask seriously, crossing my arm over my chest. I try not to sound so annoyed even though I can practically feel my blood boiling in my skin.

 

Why does she love ruining everything?

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“What do you care?”

 

“Answer my question, Im Nayeon.”

 

“God, calling me by my full name? Is that your attempt to daunt me?” I sigh as I shake my head.

 

“I said answer my-“

 

“No, I asked first,” I press on, taking a step forward which I immediately regret—she doesn’t step back. And now we’re close. I can smell the mint in her breath which I have love-hate relationship with. My insides are tingling; _I want to kiss her_. “What is your problem?”

 

Her jaws clench. The tension between us gets heavier and heavier with each second that passes by. She is so unfair. She can’t just act like she doesn’t know me then suddenly just come here and act all protective like this. I can’t take it anymore. It’s only either I leave and try to survive another night longing for her, or I lean in and kiss her and show her how much I miss her. Staying like this isn’t an option because it’s torture.

 

Behind Tzuyu, I catch a sight of Jeong running towards us. “Nayeon, you made it!” She exclaims, excitement written all over her face.

 

I let out a deep breath, I didn’t even notice I was holding it in this whole time. _Saved by the bell a.k.a Jeongyeon._

 

Jeongyeon stands next to me. I force a smile when I turn to her.

 

“Of course. Couldn’t miss it.” I wink jokingly at her and she chuckles.

 

I feel the weight of Tzuyu’s stare, and her fists are clenching tight on her sides.

 

“Has Tzuyu told you you’re allowed at the backstage?” Jeong motions to Tzuyu.

 

“Yeah. We were just about to go there.” I lie.

 

I don’t give Tzuyu another glance after that, not when I know she’s going to look back at me. I meet the other members at the backstage and Chaeyoung, too. Rosie mentions our _date_ the other day and then the talk about our upcoming roadtrip gets brought up. I feel stressed out about it. Everyone’s going, including Tzuyu _and_ Chaeyoung. Tell me, how am I supposed to have fun on that trip?

 

They’re joking around about the things that we will bring, until they get called on stage.

 

“I’m nervous,” I hear Tzuyu tell Chaeyoung. My sister is fixing her leather jacket. The others are setting up the stage.

 

“Hm? This is my first time hearing that from you.”

 

“Some big ass recording company is gonna watch us tonight… so…”

 

Chaeyoung doesn’t even seem shocked. “Oh, I see. Well, worry not. You’ll nail it.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I want to see you there. In the crowd.”

 

“Okay. I’ll go there.”

 

When someone reminds them that they’re going on in three minutes, Tzuyu presses a quick kiss on Chaeyoung’s forehead and gets out there. I emit a long, deep breath. I can’t help but think, how would it feel to be in Chaeyoung’s position right now? To have the right to feel… _jealous_ and possessive, and to be allowed to call Tzuyu mine. The pain I feel right now is unfamiliar, and I have no idea how to handle it. I have no idea what to do, because it’s not everyday that you make out with your sister’s girlfriend and end up wanting more of it—more of _her_. But once it happens to you, it is everyday that you feel guilty for it. Your entire self gets eaten up by your own conscience, and even though you know it’s wrong, you know what is the right thing to do, you can’t stop chasing the bad thing because it’s what you want.

 

I feel like I’m the worst sister in the world, the worst person even, and this feeling keeps me up at night until I just doze off because of exhaustion.

 

“Hey, wish me luck,” Jeongyeon tells me. I didn’t notice when she went to grab her bass guitar. It makes me realize how much space in my mind Tzuyu has taken up.

 

I smile at her. In my peripheral vision I see Tzuyu looking at us from her seat behind her drumset. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but knowing that she’s watching us pushes me to grab Jeongyeon closer by the hem of her leather jacket and kiss her cheek.

 

“Good luck,” I say.

 

Jeongyeon is blushing. Tzuyu turns away with a scowl. I’m satisfied, and I’m a horrible person. It wasn’t right. God, Im Nayeon. Pull your goddamn shit together.

 

Chaeyoung asks me if I want to join her dive into the crowd, when I say no, she forces me until I say yes. I can’t say I’m complaining, though, given that we’re in a pretty good location. We can see the stage clearly and the sounds don’t come off distorted from here.

 

Their first song is Still Into You originally by Paramore. The crowd gets hyped up, and when I look around, there even are some of them who bang their heads and hold up a rock ‘n roll sign with their hands. It gives me goosebumps, especially when it’s the chorus part of the song because the drums are heard clearly, not to mention Jihyo’s voice fit the song well.

 

Tzuyu… I look at her and get lost in the way she’s in a different world, passionate as she has always been and she should be. It’s only her and the beats that she makes. I love watching her play. I love watching _her_.

 

She catches my gaze and holds it with hers. She isn’t fazed, still playing with every tiny piece of passion in her body. I heave a sigh so deep I have to part my lips just to let the air in and out. Tzuyu must’ve noticed, and she looks away with a smirk, knowing probably that she still has an effect on me.

 

They really do perform more than 3 songs tonight. In the middle of it, I manage to go the Wonwoo the bartender and apologize for what happened earlier. It leads us to a light, random chitchat while he serves the customers here and there. I learn a few things about him, like he’s an architecture student and he doesn’t live with his parents, too.

 

I greet him “Merry Christmas” before I return to the backstage. The band has performed all their prepared songs and I just wait for them here. They come running to me with really wide smiles so contagious that I don’t realize I’m already smiling, too. They seem to be really happy and satisfied with their own work tonight, talking about how the record company people were bobbing their heads while they played earlier. Everyone is loud, celebrating, even Chaeyoung is fooling around with them. Then I realize… Tzuyu isn’t here. I don’t really want to ask Chaeyoung because it will be weird that _I,_ her sister, is looking for her girlfriend. Or maybe it’s only weird for me because I know damn well what’s up. So as much as I itch to know where she is, I do nothing until someone else notices her absence.

 

“Where’s Tzuyu, by the way?” Jihyo asks and I hope it isn’t too obvious how I sigh in complete relief.

 

Everyone suddenly is looking at Chaeyoung because everyone expects her to know.

 

“She probably just went outside for a smoke.” She smiles to assure us that nothing’s wrong, but the disapproval in her tone is evident. She really doesn’t like it when Tzuyu smokes.

 

The others continue to fool around, but I remain looking at my sister. She’s worried. I put my hand on her arm to get her to look back at me.

 

“What is it?” I ask.

 

“Tzuyu just… seems to be really preoccupied lately, and she smokes more often than before.”

 

I sigh, and I am just about to say something when she speaks up again.

 

“Could you… go and maybe talk some sense into her? I really don’t know what to do with her anymore…”

 

I blink twice rapidly. I look at her for a few seconds as I try to process in my head what she just asked me to do. She must’ve known from my reaction alone that I’ll say no so she talks before I can say something.

 

“Please?”

 

And of course, there’s nothing I can do but grant my sister what she wants. I go outside and it isn’t really too hard to find her because there’s a Designated Smoking Area just nearby John’s. She’s there, leaning against the pole that holds the smoking sign. When I see her, that’s the moment I hesitate. Here’s my heart and mind again, battling as I keep my gaze upon her.

 

In the end, my heart wins again.

 

“Chaeyoung is worried about you,” I tell her, no beating around the bush. I don’t want this conversation to go on for long.

 

“She’s not. She just wants me to quit smoking completely.”

 

I winced at her. “Can you stop giving my sister a headache?! Don’t you see how concerned she is about you? You’re lucky she’s still putting up with your stubborn ass up to now. But you don’t see that, do you? All you see is her trying to change you and you don’t like it that’s why you’re acting this way.”

 

She doesn’t look at me, but I can see how sharp her gape is at the road.  The cigarette between her lips flinches along with her jaws.

 

“Pull yourself together, Chou Tzuyu. Not only because my sister wants you to, do it for yourself.”

 

I’m about to take my leave. She doesn’t talk, anyway, and if she did we’d only end up fighting again.

 

But then…

 

“Tell me to stop.”

 

“What?”

 

“I will only quit it if you’re the one who tells me to quit it,” she says, sounding really sure of it. She then turns to me and looks me in the eye.

 

I freeze, and even as she slowly comes nearer and nearer, I can’t bring myself to move. I even find it hard to talk at the moment.

 

“See? You can’t. Because you understand, you know this is my escape, and you know that I need this in order to be okay. You understand that this doesn’t destroy me. You know… that this is the one thing that pulls me together.”

 

“Tzuyu-“

 

“The one thing except you.”

 

My breath hitches, and as I exhale, I also let down my defences. I can feel my eyes welling up, and |I know my face is also tinted red. For so long I tried to ignore it. I refused to cry because I don’t think she deserves my tears. For so long I kept it to myself. But with just those words, I gave in. She must’ve known what it would do to me that’s why she said that. I hate it. I hate how weak I am for her. I hate what she does to me. But I can never hate _her_.

 

Her expression softens when my tears begin to roll down. I just look at her, and she looks away.

 

“Look at me,” I command her. She doesn’t listen. “I said look at me!” I grab her leather jacket and tug at it aggressively. “Why can’t you look at me?! Can’t you see me this way?! Can’t you stand knowing that you’re the reason I am crying right now?! You can’t accept that you’re held accountable for these tears?!” My voice cracks, but I don’t even care anymore. I just keep on pounding her chest with my fists, but I know these fists do nothing because I’m too weak right now. “Why are you doing this to me?! Can you stop- stop acting like you care when you obviously don’t?! You can’t just… have me as your past time when you’re bored, or when my sister is not around! Stop… stop playing with my feelings… I don’t deserve this, Tzuyu… I don’t…”

 

I feel her arms taking me in, enclosing me in a tight embrace, but I fight it, with my endless tears, with sobs after sobs, I fight the urge to stay there because it’s not my place. And that thought just makes me ache even more. Every single atom in my body suddenly feels so heavy that it takes me so long to walk further and further from her. It’s so hard, staying away from someone when you’re just a tiny piece of iron and they’re the goddamn magnet.

 

I bump into Jeongyeon at the entrance of the bar. I want to go back there and tell my sister that I’ll be going home ahead of her, but Jeongyeon knows I’m too miserable to show my face there, so she insists to take me home and says that she’ll just send Jihyo a text to let Chaeyoung know.

 

In the car, Jeongyeon doesn’t ask me what happened. Perhaps she knows I don’t want to talk about it, and I really appreciate her respect to my privacy. She lets me sit in the shotgun silently, Fifth Harmony’s cover of All I Want For Christmas Is You is playing in a low volume while I try to find a temporary peace of mind.

 

It’s over. I broke down in front of Tzuyu; she won. I hope she’s happy, and I hope she never comes near me again.

 

Jeongyeon drops me right outside my building and even insists to walk me up to my unit, but I smile at her assure her that I can handle myself. I also apologize for having to pull her out of her fun for the second time because of my emotional ass, but she tells me it’s okay and she doesn’t mind. She also lets me know that she hopes I feel better soon. I watch her car as she drives away. I think to myself, she’s too nice for me.

 

I cry a little more in my room. It isn’t easy to just get over it. But after a few minutes, I get up to wash up and start working on our foods for Christmas eve. I will prepare bulgogi and I also bought three jars of ready-to-eat kimchi. I will prepare some pasta and yes, I did buy roasted chicken and ham.

 

An hour after, Chaeyoung gets home with Tzuyu. It seems like they’re okay and did not fight because they’re talking to each other casually. My heart aches, how can Tzuyu pretend like _it_ didn’t happen?

 

Chaeyoung goes to check on me in the kitchen.

 

“I don’t know what happened, but you’re obviously not okay.”

 

I shake my head and laughs as if what she said was ridiculous, “I’m just sleepy…”

 

“Unnie…” She sounds really concerned and worried. I wonder, if she knew that I had feelings for Tzuyu, would she still act this way? “I’ll make you a cup of coffee and you can take your time at the balcony while I do the work here.”

 

“It’s fine. I’m fine…” I still insist.

 

“You’re not. And I can do this. It’s almost done, anyway. All I have to do is clean this up.””

 

She caresses my shoulder and nods at me as if saying “it’s really okay, unnie”. Then she goes to make me a cup of coffee and I do what she suggested: to take my time at the balcony.

 

From up here, I can see the enormous Christmas tree in the park, lit with different colors. I stare at it blankly. I don’t feel a rush about Christmas anymore. The only thing I’m excited about it that I’ll see my parents again, but it doesn’t feel really different from when we see them on other occasions. I sigh, is that really how it is when you grow up? The things that used to matter so much when you were still a kid turn out to be almost nothing at all.

 

I continue to consume my coffee while more random thoughts come to me. I’m glad I get to have this “me time” tonight, to clear my mind and to bring ease to the heavy feeling in my chest.

 

But it all comes flooding back in a slow, torturing manner when Tzuyu suddenly appears beside me.

 

“Jeongyeon unnie drove you home?” She asks, and despite my difficulty of staying calm, I note how she calls Jeongyeon “unnie” and how she’s the only one Tzuyu respects like that.

 

I fake a cough to keep my voice from cracking again. “Yes.”

 

I don’t look at her. I keep my eyes on the Christmas tree in the park. She goes quiet for a few seconds, perhaps thinking of what to say. I don’t want to be here anymore, so I take the last sip of my coffee and start walking towards the door. It’s a shame, I really was enjoying my time alone.

 

“Do you like her?”

 

I stop on my tracks, right in front of the closed door. I stop and I can’t move. I want to say “yes”, assuming that she’ll get hurt, that she feels something for me, too, to get jealous. But it’s not right, and I already pulled that card earlier when I kissed Jeong on the cheek. I don’t want to do that again.

 

But she must’ve taken my silence as a yes and concludes that I _do_ like the bassist.

 

“Why?” Her voice sounds firmer, holds more toughness in it. One word. She says one goddamn word and I’m weak.

 

“Tzuyu, I’m not having this right now.”

 

“Well, I am. I want to have this right now.”

 

She suddenly grabs me by my wrist, forcing me to face her. I am about to yell at her because it hurt when she tugged at it, but when I look in her eyes and see the Tzuyu who cried to me the night we first kissed, I find it hard to even just say a single word.

 

“You only met her a few days ago, Nayeon! How could you already feel something for her?!”

 

“Do you even listen to yourself right now?!” I yank my wrist off of her grip. “Why are you _so_ unfair?! Why is it that you get to have a say in my decisions, and I don’t in yours? How is it that you can own me but I can’t own you?! And for pete’s sake, Tzuyu, something happened between us! I let you own me that night even when I was supposed to save myself for the person I’ll love wholeheartedly, and who’ll love me back the same way, but why does it seem like it’s nothing to you?!” I try my best to keep my voice down, though it’s trembling and the way the words slip between my lips is strong and firm.

 

“If it was nothing to me then why do you think would I get mad right now?!”

 

“Because you don’t like it when somebody else gets what you want. Because you’re a greedy little asshole!”

 

She takes a step back, as if my words alone have the power to push her away. Even I am shocked at what I just said, but I don’t really regret letting it out. She keeps her silence and the last thing I see on her face is the evident pain. My eyes are about to declare its storm again. I’m so tired. This is so tiring. Having a thousand different feelings for one person can get really exhausting. I didn’t want to hurt her, but she’s toying me and I’ve had enough of it.

 

I want her, and sure, I long for her, but if having her also means having to cheat behind my sister’s back and being the other woman, I don’t want it.

 

 

 

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**_it's been CENTURIES SKJDFHSKJH i'm sorry for the long wait hhh i suffered from writer's block and i admit i thought of abandoning this a few times but when i go back here and read your feedbacks i just :(( hh so thank you for those. they really encouraged me and still continue to encourage me hehehe #happynatzuday_ **


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